Apathetic?

Being a writer can be really hard to describe sometimes. I mean how we live. There is so much complexity because we are always thinking, always seeking and searching. Always wondering, usually growing, and dreaming. It's like a non-stop force within regardless of what it's about.

Most of you know that this past year has been a big one for me for changes. The main one being that it was my only child's Senior year of High School. It did a number on me, let me tell ya. It was crazy for many reasons but mainly it was the relationship changes that her and I went through,(most you've read about on this space), and her growth that put me over the edge. Again, as a writer, I'm just not created in a way that I just let what happens happen without prayer, or thought or investigation. Mainly for soul purposes. Gosh, am I making any sense?!

I say all that, which I could say more but I don't want you to have to read a super long post, to say this: sometimes it's ok to be silent. Even if you aren't a writer, it's ok to have a season where you might be quiet (typically derived from an emotional time or change). Maybe you don't share things with others as much, or you talk less in general. Maybe it's a season where you don't go out as often as you usually do, and you have a season where you're at home. There are countless ways that we can respond to something traumatic or new that is happening in our lives, and they aren't necessarily bad, or negative.

For me there has been so much going on, including busyness, which typically I am not, that I don't even have it in me to do the things I had usually been spending my time one. Crafting for one, and obviously the most obvious one, writing. Because of my health, I keep a light schedule, and that's been impossible this year, especially from January-through June. I mean we are talking so fatigue that I'm numb. But I can't tell you how grateful I am that my daughter had a fab graduation party!!! And I can say with much pride that that obviously means she's graduated high school, friends!!! And my girl is off to college in just under two months.

My graduate and I. June/2013

So why did I title this post Apathetic? I was talking through some of my feelings with a close friend. Telling her some of my deepest darkest secrets like, I've been watching movies for two weeks straight, and I don't want to pick up a pen and write. I hardly want to talk, eat, or read. Or pray for that matter. I shared that I have been wanting to "check out" (could be my way of rebelling that my in-laws were here for over a week and I have needed a major break in general :-) Hey, I love my in-laws, really!

I literally asked my girlfriend, "What's wrong with me?" She thought maybe I was in a season or had a spirit of Apathy. I kept thinking, "Empathy, what does that have to do with it?" No, Gina, APATHY. Here's the definition:

1 : having or showing little or no feeling or emotion : spiritless

2 : having little or no interest or concern 

Spiritless, really?

What is wrong with me?

I proceeded to accept that that is where I was at. I instantly went into prayer about it, and did a little research on the spirit of apathy, and within even a few days, I was not convinced it was truly where I was.

I really feel it's been just more of a season. And not that there isn't some apathy mixed in, but the more I thought about it I thought, I truly am still feeling. I still have interest and concern. Yes I want to hide in movies and don't feel like picking up the crochet hook, but, it didn't feel all true, or all me. I think the busyness, with the emotion turned into exhaustion and I cracked. I have truly been in a state of overwhelming emotions for the last 9 months, all starting with those 4 suicides in the beginning of the year up until the graduation party and everything in between. It's surely a unique time in my life. It's surely a trying time in my life. Full of changes, pain, growth, goodness, celebration, loss, and so on.

The most important thing in all of this is to not feel guilty about where I am at. Gosh is that a struggle of mine! I need to accept that this is such a time in my life and it will not last forever! It is a season. And it's ok. We all need time to deal, don't we? We are all allowed a little break. And who am I to be so hard on myself when I am taking that break?

 I have some apathy, but I don't think I'm truly apathetic.

I trust by next time this year I will be well through these changes. I will have gained new ground on how to deal with a daughter in college, and all the fears that come with it. That's currently what I'm working on--maybe more on that in another post--not in a month either, I hope to get back to my space here. I've missed it. I've missed you. Gosh I have missed you all! I must apologize for not giving you all a heads up on being absent. It just sort of happened, and then I froze. So thank you for being here today! I wouldn't have my blog without you.

Thanks for being patient, and I'll write another post later this week sharing what all I have been up to with some photos, can't wait to share! I'd love to know how you are all doing, so if you feel like it, or have time, drop me a note or a comment and fill me in!