Monday, July 1, 2013

Apathetic?

Being a writer can be really hard to describe sometimes. I mean how we live. There is so much complexity because we are always thinking, always seeking and searching. Always wondering, usually growing, and dreaming. It's like a non-stop force within regardless of what it's about.

Most of you know that this past year has been a big one for me for changes. The main one being that it was my only child's Senior year of High School. It did a number on me, let me tell ya. It was crazy for many reasons but mainly it was the relationship changes that her and I went through,(most you've read about on this space), and her growth that put me over the edge. Again, as a writer, I'm just not created in a way that I just let what happens happen without prayer, or thought or investigation. Mainly for soul purposes. Gosh, am I making any sense?!

I say all that, which I could say more but I don't want you to have to read a super long post, to say this: sometimes it's ok to be silent. Even if you aren't a writer, it's ok to have a season where you might be quiet (typically derived from an emotional time or change). Maybe you don't share things with others as much, or you talk less in general. Maybe it's a season where you don't go out as often as you usually do, and you have a season where you're at home. There are countless ways that we can respond to something traumatic or new that is happening in our lives, and they aren't necessarily bad, or negative.

For me there has been so much going on, including busyness, which typically I am not, that I don't even have it in me to do the things I had usually been spending my time one. Crafting for one, and obviously the most obvious one, writing. Because of my health, I keep a light schedule, and that's been impossible this year, especially from January-through June. I mean we are talking so fatigue that I'm numb. But I can't tell you how grateful I am that my daughter had a fab graduation party!!! And I can say with much pride that that obviously means she's graduated high school, friends!!! And my girl is off to college in just under two months.

My graduate and I. June/2013

So why did I title this post Apathetic? I was talking through some of my feelings with a close friend. Telling her some of my deepest darkest secrets like, I've been watching movies for two weeks straight, and I don't want to pick up a pen and write. I hardly want to talk, eat, or read. Or pray for that matter. I shared that I have been wanting to "check out" (could be my way of rebelling that my in-laws were here for over a week and I have needed a major break in general :-) Hey, I love my in-laws, really!

I literally asked my girlfriend, "What's wrong with me?" She thought maybe I was in a season or had a spirit of Apathy. I kept thinking, "Empathy, what does that have to do with it?" No, Gina, APATHY. Here's the definition:

1 : having or showing little or no feeling or emotion : spiritless
2 : having little or no interest or concern 


Spiritless, really?

What is wrong with me?

I proceeded to accept that that is where I was at. I instantly went into prayer about it, and did a little research on the spirit of apathy, and within even a few days, I was not convinced it was truly where I was.

I really feel it's been just more of a season. And not that there isn't some apathy mixed in, but the more I thought about it I thought, I truly am still feeling. I still have interest and concern. Yes I want to hide in movies and don't feel like picking up the crochet hook, but, it didn't feel all true, or all me. I think the busyness, with the emotion turned into exhaustion and I cracked. I have truly been in a state of overwhelming emotions for the last 9 months, all starting with those 4 suicides in the beginning of the year up until the graduation party and everything in between. It's surely a unique time in my life. It's surely a trying time in my life. Full of changes, pain, growth, goodness, celebration, loss, and so on.

The most important thing in all of this is to not feel guilty about where I am at. Gosh is that a struggle of mine! I need to accept that this is such a time in my life and it will not last forever! It is a season. And it's ok. We all need time to deal, don't we? We are all allowed a little break. And who am I to be so hard on myself when I am taking that break?

 I have some apathy, but I don't think I'm truly apathetic.

I trust by next time this year I will be well through these changes. I will have gained new ground on how to deal with a daughter in college, and all the fears that come with it. That's currently what I'm working on--maybe more on that in another post--not in a month either, I hope to get back to my space here. I've missed it. I've missed you. Gosh I have missed you all! I must apologize for not giving you all a heads up on being absent. It just sort of happened, and then I froze. So thank you for being here today! I wouldn't have my blog without you.

Thanks for being patient, and I'll write another post later this week sharing what all I have been up to with some photos, can't wait to share! I'd love to know how you are all doing, so if you feel like it, or have time, drop me a note or a comment and fill me in!

Photobucket

10 comments:

Dancing Branflake said...

I can relate to this post in so many ways. Maybe not physically (I'm fairly healthy), but emotionally and dealing with huge life changes. I was shocked to find that these changes left me too emotionally exhausted to have a desire to do anything else but just try to adapt.

It's a new season for you and your daughter. We'll be here to listen.

Natalie said...

Relating to so much you've written here Gina =) It's been hard for me to get back to blogging lately... but slowly I'm getting back into it! Hope you will too!

Creating Through LIFE said...

No worries Gina. Congratulations on your daughters achievements!!!!! Thanks for sharing your heart as always. Don't push or be to hard on yourself. Just as the winter season is dormant so our souls must be sometimes only that life and blooming can spring forth in the next season.

Magical Day Dream said...

You should never be ashamed of your feelings. they are what they are and i admire your openness. You can only control your thoughts and actions. And sometimes it is ok to be quiet or apathetic. It doesn't define you :)

Liza said...

I've so missed reading what's been going on in your life/heart. I understand and sympathize with how you're feeling. While the changes I've been going through lately are quite different than your's, it still has had a similar effect on me.

I can't wait to hear more about what you've been up to lately!

Autumn said...

I feel like I've had a really big year with having moved here last July. New friends, struggles with finding jobs, the carwreck, and on and on. The thing that really keeps me going is knowing that times like this really build up blessings for later. I'm glad you're back to writing. I haven't been in the mood to really write in a long time.

Krista said...

I personally think it is a good thing in disguise, this season you are in. You have indeed experienced SO MUCH over the past several months. Some down time to continue processing it all will surely do you good. Praying for peace and restoration for you Gina!

christina said...

i love your heart. i cant even begin to imagine the change your going through ... i had MAJOR issues with kindergarten.lol. i will be seeking your comfort in a few years lol!!

a scary time but i am sure it will be exciting to watch your daughter grow into her own person!

Stephanie said...

Oh my goodness, I know exactly what you are talking about...I've really tried to embrace all the different seasons in life, and really own my feelings (or lack of feelings). Sometimes I feel the need to wear my happy mask, but the problem is God made me who I am, and created me to feel different ways at different times. It seems a shame to try and mask how I honestly feel. Who knows who I can help with my honesty.

You have been such an inspiration to so many people as you have embraced this last school year with your daughter. I think about you often, knowing that there are still changes ahead for you and your family, but I know God will be right there with you guiding you along. And whenever you feel like sharing more with us, I'll be here to read along! : )

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