The Losses We Carry

Currently, I'm experiencing a lot of grief. Can you see it in my face? My daughter's biological Dad is in hospice. Grief, unexpressed is bad for us.
The complicated grief I feel for myself and what she's going through is a doozy. It's all heavy. I'm resting in between all of the daily responsibilities I face. And Benson helps.

When we experience any loss, big or small, we grieve. Any amount of loss and any type of loss creates grief inside of us. Mostly when we think of grief, we think of the loss of a loved one. Yet there are a million seemingly insignificant losses that we all carry on a daily basis, and those are the ones I'd like to create a space for. Each week, on Monday, since Mondays tend to be a day we dred anyway, I'll be writing about the losses I experience from week to week or a particular loss I am currently experiencing. This can be a space for anyone who doesn't get to share their losses or feels isolated in them. Which is most of us. I think it's important to voice that grief somewhere, somehow, so that we can process, reflect, and possibly learn to let go. Here, I'd love to hear about your losses, so please share in the comments or send me an email.

Most grief is left unexpressed. The importance of the expression of grief helps us heal and not feel so alone. 

I am a person who is deeply in touch with my emotions. Especially painful emotions, the kind of emotions that we have to work on to understand and process. The kind of emotions that need our attention. The harrowing emotions that can overtake a person. The ones we don't want to feel because they hurt so much. Yeah, those ones. I've been working on sorting through, making sense out of, and expressing my emotions intentionally for the past 20 years. It's the kind of work you ought to get a doctorate in, it's that intense and worthy work. 

A lot of my scary feeling emotions to date, are in check. They are overall stabilized and metabolized. They don't run or ruin my life. Yet, there is one emotion bigger than any other that I find still gets me, and it is oftentimes left unexpressed. And that is GRIEF.

Grief is something that everyone experiences but rarely gets talked about and always seems to be present, even if under the radar. The grief we carry from the losses we experience matters. Our grief is sacred because our losses are precious, they mean something to us. Some losses mean everything to us, and because of this, we are never the same after experiencing any amount of loss. 

The importance of the expression of grief is vital to our wellbeing.

Unexpressed grief is not good for our mind, body, or spirit. Grief is unique in that it is complicated in nature, making emotions tough to locate and identify, so grief can be hard to express.

Grief is also left unexpressed because frankly, others aren't the greatest listeners most of the time, and grief is so personal, that few people will empathize with our losses. Which leads me to my next point. Grief is all the losses we experience, big and small. Grieving does not come just when you lose someone you love. Though that is the most profound loss. Grieving happens in our day-to-day, yes every day usually, without anyone even knowing we are hurting. Behind closed doors, tightly closed doors we are experiencing some form of loss. Without even saying a word, we are drowning in our sorrowful grief and it does not feel good. 

Everyone, every day is experiencing all sorts of loss, and most people wish they could express and share what they are carrying but we don't know where to begin, we don't want to be minimized or dismissed. Each of us also wonders if it's truly a loss- if it qualifies, so we hesitate to mention it. Losses also are coming and going especially the small ones, and time is too fast to catch them all.

This is why I want to create this specific space every week because everyone has something they are losing, so everyone grieves. And most of us don't have a place to feel less isolated about it. I'll say it again, most of us aren't good listeners to no fault of our own-we weren't taught how to be. We can't handle people's discomfort when they share so we get uncomfortable and usually say the wrong thing. The wrong thing meaning, something that doesn't help, or makes the person feel worse. All unintentional of course. But nonetheless, true. We are scared of other people's pain and discomfort because we don't know how to help. We want their pain to be better, that's a good human thing, but trying to fix someone's pain is rarely the answer for folks expressing grief.

In all my work with people over the years, almost 15 years of working with individuals one-on-one and in group settings, I have found that people just want to express what they are going through and share how they feel without anyone trying to fix it. Without someone comparing (this can help if the situation is basically the same or very similar, but one should still proceed with caution with this), without someone saying, "Oh that's not a loss, that's no big deal" or "why would you feel sad about that?" without someone dismissing their pain, without someone giving advice, or trying to fix it. 

Folks want to be heard and feel seen, they want to know they are not alone. As a Spiritual Director, this is how I operate one-on-one and in a group, and because of my profession, I ask open-ended questions that might help someone process their grief even further. The point of me creating this weekly space is so that folks have a place to hear about the losses I've experienced and the grief I carry, in hopes that they can relate and possibly reach out if they need to. Hearing other stories of loss helps grievers of all kinds! Reading about something similar that you may have lost helps take the edge off and helps you feel more stabilized and validated. 

The big losses that we might experience throughout the year that cause grief are:

losing a job

getting divorced

finding out about a new diagnosis

seeing a friend experience grief

the loss of a friendship

the loss of what once was in a person, place, or thing

grieving our old bodies while we go through changes

moving 

losing a loved one

not liking someone in your family

being chewed out by someone causes a lot of grief

relationship complications

not being seen or experiencing injustice

changing as a person (religion, beliefs etc)

(and more)

The small losses that we might experience day to day that cause grief are:

not hearing back from someone you wanted to

being ghosted

not getting the job you wanted

being ignored

not being appreciated

being gaslit

a friend not responding

not being heard or validated

and someone being unkind

a sick pet

changes in parents' health

your child hurting

(and more)

As I navigate through the grief I carry, whether it's from life changes or a broken heart, I hope some of what I share will resonate and help you feel a little less alone with your grieving heart. I do think unexpressed emotions can make us feel sick. This is a space where you can come and hopefully express the losses you carry with you.

In peace and shared grief,

Gina