Life Updates

November 25, 2019

Life Updates

I cannot believe it's been six months since my abortion post. The business from that post last about two months! I am grateful for the responses and open door that that post was! Thank you for that. Thanks for being here. Year after year.

This summer was long. Yet now it's almost Christmas, so I can't make heads or tails of time. Having two amazing visitors this summer, my niece and my best friend from MN, was incredible. This Fall found me working hard in my new internship, applying and being accepted into Seminary and taking care of my health. I wanted to share a few random updates with ya'll and the best way for me to formulate that now was by randomly making a list. Am I even a writer at all anymore?! I just feel like I can't write. I look around and I see all these bloggers I started with and THEY don't seem to have any trouble rockin their social media or writing. I wonder what's wrong with me?

I do not have a nameplate or a pretty office to go with it.

I do not have photos of infants or toddlers running around my home to show how busy I am or how full my house is.

I do not have worldly accomplishments, standards, or awards.

I am not slaying life.

I do not have lofty thoughts or an emotional journey to share.

I do not have the perfect friendships, marriage or family that fulfills all my needs.

I do not have the right answers.

I do not have any cliche's or Christian platitudes for you.

I do not have perfectly succinct musings.

I do not have a pain free life.

I do not have patience for everyone.

I have a hard time being direct on the spot with people.

I sometimes want to get hit by a car. And that's ok.

I soon want to share my story of white privilege. But I'm scared.

I cannot grow or change for the better if I don't get uncomfortable.

I am learning a lot about mansplaining, patriarchy, misogyny and gaslighting. All very real things.

I have to believe that I am loved, otherwise it feels like I'm not.

I tolerate too much.

I'm listening. A LOT. Because I want to be woke and all.

I am a square peg always trying to fit in a round hole.

I am sincere.

I don't like my car. And that's ok.

I am finding that friendships are the most organic, raw, mysterious and beautiful thing on earth.

I find myself thankful every morning, afternoon and evening.

I am putting myself down a lot less than I ever used to.

I grow weary of making an effort.

I am most of the time finding a way to not equate my social media following and attention to how important I am or how important my voice is.

I am a lot of the time the same little girl desperate for love that was hurt 40 years ago when she shouldn't have been.

I am deeply saddened and affected by the division of humanity.

I believe every range of dysfunctional thought and behavior stems from our trauma (pain), we carry.

I feel ignored most of the time.

I feel best when I'm intentional with my heart and people's hearts.

I think most people do what they do to be loved and accepted.

I have to convince myself every day that my body is acceptable even though I still believe it's not.

I think losing a loved one is absolutely ridiculous.

I am not jealous.

I is the worse pronoun.

I wish more people tried to understand others.

I wish people believed other people more.

I struggle with my health nearly every day and hardly speak of it.

I want people to understand me.

I am growing in my contemplative life. I think if I could, I would become a Monk.

I need more attention.

I have a hard time with dogmatic and judgmental people.

I don't think I have much talent.

My marriage is going well but we are in a rut!

I love strangers and neighbors!

I'm afraid of losing my dog and daughter.

I am not a democrat or republican. I am utterly in love with human beings and want everyone else to be too. I understand why people do what they do.

I am intimidated to start college.

Most of the time the only comfort I find is in the presence of God.

I am still in awe that Jesus loves me and wants to be in relationship with me.

I have gone up a pant size over the summer.

I miss having croissants in my life.

I take a lot of supplements for my gut health and immune system.

I go to acupuncture once a week and take herbs.

I am walking 3-5 miles a day.

I have been experiencing a whole new level of writer's block.

I spent most of the summer and fall believing that I have no point in life and that I don't matter.

I still have stage 4 adrenal fatigue and it's really, really, really hard. I don't have a lot of energy.

I'm homesick.

I usually feel like I don't belong and that no one cares.

I am working hard at my new internship at church.

I've been in a season of saying less.

I am leading a Spiritual Formation group monthly at my apartment.

I started a prayer team at my church.

I crocheted the other night.

I went on a silent retreat a few weeks ago.

I am thinking of traveling alone sometime soon.

My mom is coming to visit me in January.

My daughter will be 25 in January.

I am counseling 5 clients.

I am still going to treatment weekly. The intensive I did in April for the adhesions and scarring did not work.

I made a killer vegan chili a few weeks ago, but I'm not really cooking many interesting meals due to my diet restrictions.

I'm praying for direction with my writing and voice. Mostly I'm terrified to write anything because some say I'm too liberal, too conservative, too Christian, not Christian enough, not woke enough, too woke, not smart enough and on and on and on. It feels like a really confusing time for me as a writer and where I fit in. How social media plays a big role and what all of that means, and working on breakthroughs to not find my worth or lack of worth due to how much attention or likes something gets. Do I share my feelings, my experiences/stories, advice, insight? Other than the study I wrote and the book I started, I am at a loss for writing. I appreciate my readers so much so I want to keep writing! When you're a writer or giving anything to the world, it's easy to get tripped up on numbers, amounts, likes, comments, etc...When there is someone else who for many understandable reasons is getting a ton of attention, but you also feel like what you have to say matters and is important, it's hard to make sense of that.