Forget "Balance", Gimme Boundaries!
How many times have YOU said or have heard others say or ask, "I want to find a way to balance work and family." "How can I have a better work/life balance?" "How do you find balance between work, family and life?"
I guarantee COUNTLESS. More times that we can count. You, me, and John Doe.
And John Doe's brother, and his uncle's cousin. And John Doe's brothers, uncles cousins wife.
You get the picture.
The thing is is it's not about balance at ALL. One simply cannot "balance" all they "want" to. Remember when we were kids, or the kids you now have, or as an adult now yourself there are lots of things that you want to do? The reality is we can't actually do all we want to do. I noticed after I started having good boundaries, that naturally things I had wanted to do that I couldn't for whatever reason, that eventually I was able to try some of the stuff on my list later on, it's like it can be seasonal sometimes too. Back to the balancing act--it's tough enough for someone to balance a stack of books on their head; there's a reason they will fall off eventually. There are only so many books we can balance. We don't have BALANCE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE BOUNDARIES.
And we don't have BOUNDARIES BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO SET THEM AND WE ARE AFRAID TO SET THEM. We actually think we can't set them.
Oh boy, can you ever. I'm here to tell you that you CAN set boundaries so you can create balance and that you OUGHT to set boundaries so you can get balance. It will change your life. But like most anything in life, you can choose to set them or not. So you can keep choosing to be miserable in whatever way or capacity you are because of your lack of boundaries, and keep complaining, blaming everything and everyone for your "misery", OR you can start setting boundaries as early as TODAY! WARNING: It's not easy.
You lack boundaries IF:
-you are constantly feeling "run ragged", or exhausted (tired)
-stressed out, which leads to extreme irritability
-saying YES to more than you WANT to
-say YES to make someone "happy" or say YES in fear of disappointing another
-you notice conflict in your relationships often
-think to yourself "I can do it all"
-you feel like a victim or blame (scapegoat) constantly
-have trouble being direct/over share over explain
-feel like you can't "be yourself"
-worry about what others think
-feel over committed and then resentful?
These are just a few super common ones, there are plenty more, but I wanted to list the ones that the general population can really relate to. AND I'm not really sharing about full relational boundaries here. This post is specifically about how we don't need to FIND BALANCE because we weren't MEANT to BALANCE. What even IS balancing? We weren't made to BALANCE, we were made with limits. We weren't built to "do it all" and do it all well. We have limits as people. We need and can set them.
Most of the time it's not others causing trouble or our problems, it's actually ourselves.
For instance. Many of my clients complain about work, and even my non-clients, people in my life or people I hear about, complain about their jobs. I get it, it's normal to vent. Jobs are not perfect, just like the world and the people in it aren't. But people will complain about how they have too much to do and not enough time, or they work too many hours, and it wasn't what they were hired for but they have all this "extra" work. Or they talk about how they can't take a lunch break because the work has to get done---OR WHAT? You'll get fired? Well, maybe that's not the case, more on that later.
More and more Americans in the work place, at home and even in their relationships feel out of control, when really, there is quite a lot they can control. They feel pretty miserable and spent. What's the saying, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired?" You can get a hold of it all. Or at least make improvements.
Is there a belief that the company will go down if one doesn't take their lunch break? What about the health, and well being of oneself? If a person takes their well being seriously, wouldn't that mean more productivity in the long run? Can't one tell their supervisor that there is too much on their plate and that they are stretched too thin, and that they need to revisit their job description or duties? And if one can't talk to their supervisor, why? And if they can't have these discussions, can they look for a new job so they can take care of their well being? Can one try to find a job more suitable? Could one even change careers? Is one being held prisoner?
I bet you are going over a list of why you couldn't do such a thing right now in your head!?! Am I right?
No one OWNS us. The first goal is to take care of ONESELF, so THAT......even the bible says, "Love others AS you LOVE YOURSELF." Taking care of you mentally, spiritually, and physically FIRST, then others. Then you'll gladly, have the ability, and will thrive in loving others.
And if this is true, where do you need to take care of yourself then?
Who will you tell what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate? Where can you say what you can handle and what you can't handle? Work? Kids? Partner? Friends? Church? There is NO ONE that says you cannot set a boundary. Even God Himself set boundaries. You just think you have no power. You do.
But here's the problem:
WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES AND WE ARE AFRAID TO DO SO.
A BOUNDARY IS LITERALLY A LIMIT. IT'S A LINE THAT YOU DRAW TO SET A LIMIT.
You can do this. It isn't about balancing, it's about THE BOUNDARIES GIVING YOU THE BALANCE. Without boundaries, you cannot balance--remember the person with the stack of books on their head? He has a limit to how many he can pile on.
So, try to start here:
-start with noticing and paying attention to where you complain--where you tend to place blame---or feel tense or even angry---see if you are able to put a boundary (say no or set a limit in some way)-- in place to create something new, or different for you in that situation.
-start to speak honestly whatever it is--work--"I need to take a couple of things off my plate here because I'm physically feeling the affects of doing too much (name those affects), or I need to because I feel too much stress and it's affecting my attitude.
Just BE HONEST. MOST employers will understand.
-start with saying NO to more commitments! Anything and everything you notice that you're saying yes to WHEN YOU DO N'T WANT TO.
What can you DO LESS??? Because you CAN DO LESS! There are no rules that say you have to DO MORE! If there are, I'd like to see them!! Who made these rules?
-Start by remembering there is always a choice. Most of the time it's that we don't think we have them but we have SO MANY! We are so afraid of what someone might think if we DO set a boundary, that that keeps us FROM setting them! Sure, you might tick a few people off along the way, but this is YOUR LIFE AND YOUR BODY, it's a holistic thing, and it's crucial you take care of you first, then you can propel forward once you get a hold of things, and most likely with more energy and less frustration than you ever have before.
-People will get use to you setting boundaries once you start. When I first started it was super confusing for people, but then they ended up respecting me for doing it, and accepted that this was sort of my new "m.o.".
-Start with knowing you'll never make "everyone happy". Even if you made 99 out of 100 happy, that's still not everyone, and even if you made a group of people happy for a while, or this person over "here" happy, there's going to be someone soon down the road that is UNhappy, I guarantee it. It's actually impossible to do so. Accept that not everyone WILL BE HAPPY with you at some point, and that's OK!
Are YOU happy with everyone 100% of the time???
Recognize how we are contributing to our "unbalanced life", and how we might not be helping, but hurting. How can we make choices that might make our lives more bearable?
Where do we need to set a LIMIT/S?!
It's the BOUNDARIES THAT BRING THE BALANCE!
So stop trying to balance, and put up some boundaries!
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