Peace Like A River

The little orange arrow button in blogger that says below it "New Post" has been hit. Gosh, it's been, what, 3 months? Hi there friends. Thank you for being so patient with me as I go through some craziness in my life. The kind of craziness that only allows for waking up each morning and putting one foot in front of the other and that being about all you can plan for the day, for months straight...that kind of craziness. I have been thinking nonstop, "where will I ever, ever start", as far as blogging and writing. It's all been so overwhelming that too much is flooding through me to even think clear or feel clear for that matter. Let alone write clear. We'll see what happens here. I did hit the "New Post" button after all.

Life is rarely about the circumstances. Or let me rephrase that, it shouldn't in my opinion be all about the circumstances. But we do it, we make it so much about them. What's going on in our lives, how are jobs are going, how bills are coming along, how we are kids are behaving, if we get a new car, new house, new clothes. If we are going to a party, if we get to wear a pretty dress to the party, if we get voted MVP at work or on a team. If we have lost weight and can fit into "those" jeans now or again. If we get raises, if someone likes us, if someone hates us. If we get praised or if we get put down. If we are noticed or if we are unnoticed. And on and on and on. Pick your own.

Thing is, I am fully aware of life having super high moments/times and super duper low times/moments. Deaths, births, losses, illness, accidents. And in those times it's natural for feelings, of course to fluxuate! Don't misunderstand me! God gave us emotions, we were made to feel. When something is cause for highest celebrations, celebrate! When things are cause for lowest mourning, mourn. Go through it.

I was sitting in my new little nook area the other day which is basically my living room and my kitchen, well, I guess you could say it's my office too LOL. I was eating breakfast and looking out my amazing kitchen window that was open so I could hear and see the birdies in my eucalyptus tree-never thought I'd say THAT--And I thought, "I feel at peace, so much peace." And then I thought if this move across country had happened even 3 years ago, I wouldn't have the peace I experience today. God was working. I didn't realize, (I don't realize half of what He's up to), was preparing my heart for this. At least that's one of the things He was doing. God was using the drama, trauma and pain in my life then and in those certain hard times (mainly my health and marriage and my daughter going off to college), to create a peace that surpasses all understanding in me NOW!
There I sat, in mid-morning, feeling total peace regardless of my current, tough, trying circumstances. It didn't matter that all around me were things I'd rather not have be, what mattered was internally how I was handling it and how I actually feel at total peace.

It doesn't matter who is with me (and let me tell you, I am longing to be with my family and friends, I ache for them), or who is not with me. It doesn't matter what size this apartment is, and how much strife it's brought me trying to make our lives work in this tiny space. It doesn't matter that I've literally had to throw AWAY my possessions because I don't have the energy to sell them and we have no car to go donate them. It doesn't matter that I am in bed at least 3 times a week because of all the exhaustion from walking and moving. It doesn't matter that the comforts of what I know have been stripped away (not totally, I found some comforting things the other day while unpacking that reminded me of home personally), it doesn't matter that Nell's was full of fleas and I had to pick them off and comb through him non-stop. It doesn't matter that doing laundry in the dingy basement of our apartment is expensive ($2 to wash, $1.75 to dry), and hauling it up and down is tough. It doesn't matter if the rap music upstairs or the Amazon bird downstairs is driving me crazy! What matters is what's anchoring the peace in my heart and why!

For me, Jesus is the only anchor for my soul. But I dare you to search. Seek. Find out for yourself what peace is. Because it's "not out there" in a world that is constantly up and down. Jesus is the PRINCE OF PEACE for crying out loud! So I think I'll choose that, Him.

The song "It Is Well With My Soul" is the ultimate ultimate of peace thriving in someone's heart. I am not there yet. Yes, I am content with what will come of me when I die, but I am not ready to die even though I know this. But, "When peace like a river, attendeth my soul" I do feel and relate too. A river is typically smooth, calm, it's not like a roaring wave the ocean provides. It's peaceful, it's anchored, it's not moved. We don't have to be either.

If you want to know how I'm doing? I'd say not all good and not all bad! I'm a mixture of everything and still smack dab in the middle of a transition! But you can rest assured that I am at peace.

"Ego says, "Once everything falls into place, I'll feel at peace." Spirit says, "Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place."

Marianne Williamson