Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Kicking & Screaming

I'm almost done. Throwing a fit that is. Even though I just learned this week that my house has been flooded in MN and basically the whole house except 3 rooms has to be demolished. What?! Shock I tell ya, shock. Utter and complete.
Thankfully, we will only have to cover the plumber and the work he does to fix the culprit. Not too bad, hopefully. But State Farm is covering all the damage. Shopping anyone? Well I am still mourning from the move, now I'm envisioning, well I don't have to envision, I saw pictures, my house a total mess, and gutted. I don't think I've seen a bigger dumpster in a drive-way. I'm not totally up in arms over this, all I want is peace like a river, remember? No matter what's going on around me.

Sometimes in that peace, even though that's what grounds me, I do have tantrums. I kick and scream. This move has got me kicking and screaming and complaining more than I ever have in my life.
But hey, at least I am doing SOMEthing. Sure, I don't think it's healthy to kick and scream for a very long extension of time, but at least I'm "in the game", at least I'm "fighting". Fighting for what you ask? Wholeness of course.

I remember my husband use to say to me when we were in the thick of our marriage crap, "At least we are still together, there is something to be said for that." I don't agree. People can be together for years and years, and not be "kicking and screaming". I was always the "fighter" not my husband. I was constantly looking for resolution in a way that made him uncomfortable. I didn't mind getting my hands dirty and getting down to the nitty gritty of our troubles. I would not go down without a fight. I didn't give up. And in the end, he didn't either, because soon enough, he started fighting back too.
Sure, there is something to be said for staying together, whether you deal with your issues or not, but how are you made more complete, whole and ultimately, holy? How is that real? What is real about that? We are all afraid to get in the game for different reasons, but none of the excuses are good enough if you ask me.

We all get ourselves in crappy situations, whether it be by choice or by chance. Life happens to all o f us and it's hard sometimes. It's un-fun, yes, that's a word. But in those times, fight for yourself, fight for what your heart can learn. Fight for a bigger picture. Fight for a brighter day. Fight for answers, there just might be some. Ask questions, dig deep. Confront yourself and others. Seek. Search. Rest. Get angry. Get sad. Feel what you feel. Get your hands dirty so to speak. Don't sweep it under the rug because you don't "want to go there". I'm telling you, it's worth going there. Kick and scream. Get in the game. Find a solution. Do what it takes, really. You might not get your desired, perfectly imagined outcome, but at least you can say you did it all, felt it all, said it all, and you didn't go down without some blood, guts and glory. Face yourself and others. Pray. Read. Write. Find solitude. No matter what, or where you find yourself, let the less than ideal situations that are so painful to walk through, teach you something you don't know yet! We have to go THROUGH NOT AROUND to solve things sometimes and to arrive at a healthier, better place.

No excuse is a good excuse.

If I hadn't kicked and screamed a bit in the last 4 months, I wouldn't be where I am today. If I would have held all I felt and experienced in, I would still be mulling and whining. I have almost arrived to a place where I am close to being done whining. Are you?

Your external outcome, meaning the world around you, where you live, who you live with, where you work etc.. might not change. But if you change and fight and kick and scream until you are done dealing with what you're dealing with, you'll go places internally far beyond what you need externally. That's why "peace like a river" changes everything. Because externally it could all be falling apart around you, but if your fighting for inner peace, and a more whole you, it won't matter. The outside doesn't have to change the inside.

when this quote says "work around it" it doesn't mean skip it, like sweep it under
the rug. they are saying, find a new way to live with it.

I've learned the hard way that in the darkness, better vision usually grows. But I have to be the one looking.


Kathy Masterjohn said...

You've done it again. You always say everything so beautifully, even the hard things. Love you!! Mom

Ferial Trammell said...

Through it, not around it.


Praying for you, dear.

EL Irving said...

You're lucky they're covering it, but thats awful!

Daryl said...

Hey Gina! I just started blogging and Christy mentioned your blog so I'm checking out your posts.
I'm inspired.
I'm moving to NYC in June, similar to your move.
I'm downsizing everything. It's stressful and I am finding some solidarity in your posts.
I hope you're well!
". . .in the darkness, better vision usually grows. But I have to be the one looking."
I'm gonna try to keep my eyes open.

InteriorGyro Timothy G Cameron said...

Peace like a Spin Cycle getting ready for the dryer. OY! The laundry gets agitated before getting cleaned, eh? Soak...agitate, spin, relocated to dryer, folded, lint trap cleaned...and then the huge decision as to what will I wear today? Great post, Gina! Peace, sister. Timothy