Monday, November 24, 2014

The Places I've Been

I've been to some of the darkest places a human would 
rather not. I've felt the hands of evil, as a young child and
as a grown woman.
Hands that had the power 
for many years to rule my mind 
and my life.
I've had drama in friendships and relationships end poorly.
I've been to dark places in my marriage. 
Where I've barricaded myself
in the closet, with intentions to never exit.
I've gone to the place of utter despair in regard to
my own personal view of myself, through
eating disorders and physical harm.
Self hate is no place to be.
I've hidden in a dark cave, covered in shame.
Physically, I've experienced more
pain than most humans will ever feel in
their lifetime.
I've gone to places in my heart, I never thought I could, both
pretty and ugly. I've lusted,
been envious,
and stole.
I've forgiven, been forgiven, shown mercy, gave grace and 
lived a life of compassion. Those are unnatural to us
humans most of the time.
I allowed to let my self and God take me there.
I've been transformed internally and
 am embracing character building
all the day long.
But I've never been away from my physical elements for more
than weeks at a time.
I've never lived without my husband for an extendeded
amount of time.
I didn't expect my daughter to not spend a holiday 
with her family, but with a man that torments her soul.
These are places I did not expect to go.
I've never been a soldier, leaving behind his family
to serve his country.
I've never been a missionary, living abroad away from
all that's familiar.
I've never even been a college student, living out of my 
element for four years.
I've never had a job transfer.
Aside from being evicted as a single mom,
I've been lonely, desperate, burned out and at my witts end.
I've been mean, rude, and uncharming.
I've always had physical element comforts right with me.
I can be up in arms completely out of whack and all
mixed up, and 
still be ok knowing
 that my real landing place is God's heart.
I could be in a card board box on the corner of Hennepin
in the middle of a Minnesota winter, and still not be shaken.
That's how anchoring God's peace and love is.
He's showing me a new thing, and I'm not liking it so much.
But I need to go to more places, 
if I'm to be used for my highest purpose.
I didn't want to go to the other places either, but
the evil in the world provided some of those
and God pulled me through and brought beauty out of it all.
He'll do the same for this.
I just have to believe.
And I do.
We must go to the places we are unsure of, and trust that God
will use us in the process and in the outcome.
Going to unseen, unknown, unfamiliar places, bring
about goodness, and beauty if we let it.
Consider it a privilege.
At least that's what I'm doing.
Anything that is hard, is worth it.
I challenge you to go there.
Ya, you'll be mixed up and out of sorts like
I am, but you'll land safely to a new place, showing
and teaching you all you need to know.


BARBIE said...

"Going to unseen, unknown, unfamiliar places, bring
about goodness, and beauty if we let it. Consider it a privilege. At least that's what I'm doing. Anything that is hard, is worth it." Oh YES my dear friend, it is all worth it. Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Kathy Masterjohn said...

Wow. You are so amazing!! Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Mary said...

God has nothing worth having that is easy, amen?
love you so.

magda said...

Beautiful, powerful words.

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Kat Harris said...

so raw. so beautiful xoxo, kat

Vanessa Ortiz said...

This post was for me and I'm thankful. I know He's holding my right hand.

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Kube Studios said...

This was really moving, wishing you all the best at this potentially dark time of year :)

InteriorGyro Timothy G Cameron said...

You went through the fire, was tested, and prevailed. May God's love reign down upon you, and may others find comfort knowing they, too, might prevail.

Sea Cottage said...

I just found you from Instagram. Thank you for sharing your heart...your deep place of being. Your faith speaks to me.