Where's She Been?

That is a complicated answer if I am being honest. And because I struggle with being articulate and prolific sometimes, I'm afraid I might not be able to answer that in a flowful form, pardon me.

It's no secret that I've had my share of struggles all across the board in life. One in particular has been dealing with the trauma of being abused. When something traumatic like this takes place, it steals from your very being, your deepest soul. It's our deepest soul that we function in, so you can see what a challenge this could be. It formed a lot of the ways I think and therefore act. It all starts in our minds people. And the battle there can be one hefty burden.

I think emotionally something happens after abuse--especially when it happens early on in life. We become more fragile to the rhythms of life. We are sensitive to many things such as sounds, touch, and our feelings.
We are trying to live half-whole because what has been taken from us. Our emotions are distorted and in turn, our actions reflect that. For me it manifested in many ways: being cowardly, allowing people to treat me poorly, depression, feelings of worthlessness, utter sadness, hopelessness, fearful of the unknown, craving safety, promiscuous behavior and an overall sense of thinking and feeling the world doesn't need me or love me. That's a huge burden you guys. HUGE. My life's work has been to OMIT those thoughts and in turn, those feelings!!! For the better part of my life, or I should say the worser part of my life, I lived off of my feelings. I let them direct my life, my choices, my outcomes. It's only been the last 5 years or so that I've learned to channel those thoughts in a healthy manner and accept that I am loved (mainly by my Maker), and that I am of value and worth. Because the other circumstance that has contributed toward these feelings has been my health circumstance. When you're on your back on your sofa year after year after year recovering from surgery, you can tend to feel very useless. Left without a purpose. Left with no choice but to quit your job. Left with feelings of robust inadequacy. Left with thinking and believing there was no point to ME.

Luckily God reached down onto my sofa and woke up up!!! He asked me, "Why the pity party?", ah ya, He did. He continued, "What can you do right where you are at my child? Surely there is SOMEthing you can do! Will you let me use you where you are at?"

And did I ever. It's amazing the ministries and purposes that can arise from a couch. I ALLOWED God to refine me over and over and over. The pruning process hurts. How do you think ROSES feel when they are getting fussed over and pruned? It's gotta be painful. But any time we go through emotional, spiritual and mental pain, it's a good thing!!! None of us necessarily want pain in our lives. But suffering, my friends, brings pain of all sorts, and the middle brings pruning--which is a process, but then what do you get when you make it through that? A BEAUTIFUL, LIVELY, EXUBERANT ROSE! Ready to bloom, ready for life! Ready to grow!

I say all this to say this: It's been a tough year. My only child left the nest and guess what, I turned 40! I didn't even blog about it.
I'm in a quagmire so to speak. Because I had to quit my job in 2007 due to so many surgeries, I was still a stay at home mom. OK, that made me feel "better" in my mind about not working even though I had no choice in the matter. But being a Mother gives us a sense of fulfillment, it gave me A job I COULD do.
Sure I had other things I was committed too, and other things going on, but being a Mom filled my life!

Forsyth Park, Savannah GA/Photo taken my moi

When she left last Fall I was lost as many of you know. The pain of her leaving was like that of a death. Luckily that pain only last about 3 weeks, but it was some of the worst pain I have ever experienced. And since then I'm still trying wrestling with how to let go healthily and that too can be difficult, down right impossible, and painful too. I still miss her and so much about how our daily lives together were. I'm adjusting still you could say, but growing and boy have I learned. I need to write about some things being an empty-nester and a parent to a young adult has been like.
My days look so different than that of a typical 40 year old. And with still having health issues, some days are OK, or good, but a lot are rough. So I have some commitments, but I'm careful not to make too many.
Now that I have more time on my hands though and my daughter is in college I am ready for "next steps."

What does that look like for me? I am not totally sure. I'm still crocheting. I'm still a blogger. I'm still writing.
I'm still a Lay Counselor. But I know God has more for me. And I'm pretty sure it's writing my book!
I've gotten a good start, and I've promised not to let my thoughts go in a direction that make me anxious, jealous of others or get frustrated if the process, when the process gets tough, and challenging. I want to take it one day at a time! And I want to be committed to that. Even if I write for 30 minutes when I wake up.

So to answer my original question, Where's She Been? You could say I've been in prayer, and in waiting mode. And to be honest, I've been in hiding mode a bit too, from all the things I first wrote about in the beginning of this post. Listening to lies that tell me "No one wants to hear from you" "People don't need to hear from you when there are other writers, there is no place for you" "You have nothing of value to share anymore" "No one notices you're not blogging anyway, so why bother?" Down to just not having the motivation and energy to do so. Some days I can't even get out of bed.

I'll blog later this week about what else I've been up to.

I've missed you all.

XO (all rose photos taken by me at Forsyth Park in Savannah, GA)