Friday, August 23, 2013

Adjusting

Sometimes as a writer and a blogger, it's easy to convince yourself that no one cares. No one really cares what you have to say.  I have been convincing myself for a while that people don't really care what's going on in my life, so don't bother writing. And on top of that, I planned to take a little blog break because I just dropped my daughter off at college 3 days ago and I thought I was too raw and numb to write. But then an unassuming reader said, "Or you could just WRITE."

So I thought to myself, ya, I guess I could. Even though my head is foggy, my emotions are raw and my feelings are numb--is that possible at the same time?!
Plus I can choose to ignore the voices that are saying, "No one cares what you have to say."

It happened. I dropped my girl off at college. At a town two hours from here. My husband and I both. He did all the heavy lifting with Madelynn, and I stayed put in the dorm and started unpacking, I couldn't do the 3 flights of stairs. A cute Frat boy did stop along the way and helped them out though, boy he had impeccable manners. Whoa.
Here is my girl in her dorm-she's in the Volans House! Represent!

Tuesday, that was the day we dropped her off, was the oddest day in history for me. It didn't feel real, because up close and personal, my life was changing forever as I knew it. I felt I had to walk away from my life. From her. So much of my identity in ways. This girl I have kept safe--who am I kidding, I haven't kept her safe the whole 18 years, see, I've been lacking faith lately. But really, leaving her out of my care--is not easy. I know, right, where is my faith? I have been wondering that too.

Coffee break!

To say that this will be an adjustment is an understatement. So much is different around her already and it's only been a few days! I could make a list, but I think that would make me feel worse.
I mean I went from being a single mom for 7 years to being married was an adjustment, but I still had my girl. Now I need to learn to live life, without her. No this isn't a death, but let me tell ya, it sure feels like one. I feel like I'm in mourning and I'm super sad. I've had fatigue for 2 days, and horrible headaches. Today is the first day I don't feel like I'm drowning.

I thought I was good at handling change too, I mean I am practically a pro. But I guess when it comes to my kid, I'm not. And I'm scared. Scared of all that is out there waiting for her and scared she'll make some poor choices. That's a novel thought, making a poor choice, like I've never done that?

You realize so much as a parent. Every day, every week, every month we can grow if we just step out in faith. We don't have to be crushed or consumed by the reality of what is going on in our lives with our kids. And that stands true for all parents. We can gain new perspective and have faith in the process, we can have faith that God is bigger than any of this. And if we trust in Him, no not everything will be perfect or no that doesn't mean our kids are protected from every problem or issue, it just means that we know God is at work in their lives, and He is for His people, He is making it all good, no matter how bad it all might seem. We count on this. And in this world, what else, who else, can you truly count on?


We are all feeling a little lost around here.

My daughter and I both have a lot of adjusting to do, we'll get there. All is new to her, all is new to me. I have to support, and encourage her new life without me. Gosh the analogy of the bird leaving the nest is so cliche' but so very true. My husband reminded me of that the other day. And it helps put things into perspective, because she just can not stay in this nest anymore, she needs to get out of it and fly on her own. And I refuse to get in her way. It's her time to spread her wings, and as they say, and soar.


Photobucket

19 comments:

Mary said...

i'm so glad you 'just wrote'.
He will carry you through and make your burdens lighter.
love you, friend.
xoxo

Julie Marie said...

I love what you said about not being crushed ny the reality in their lives....I've been learning this lately with my son and different changes in his life, even though he is younger. I need to remember my trust, my joy, my peace is In Jesus, not in any person...including my children...

Sunny Duran said...

I saw that comment about "just WRITE" and it made me smile. I'm so glad you did. Sometimes writing it and posting it is such a great release and it shows you that people do care or people have been there too and survived. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

Silvia said...

I'm interested in what you write. You're so sincere, so true. You give me important moments of reflection. Thanks for these shares. Silvia

Discovery Street said...

Oh Gina!! We do care!! you and your family are covered in prayer. And 2 hours isn't too bad--that trip can be made in no time!

Andrea said...

So happy to see a post from you! Many care about you, whether those who will comment or some who just read and leave with inspiration you can't see, it is there and we care. My heart aches to think of this hard transition you are going through, I know I often feel a flight in my faith when going through emotional difficulty, yet he is so faithful in his love. Love to you! xox

Anonymous said...

I'm listening, Gina. I care. And I'm SO proud of you, and your daughter. Time to focus on YOU now! She's not the only one who's starting a journey...and possibly college, right? Keep writing, and we'll keep reading!
Xoxox
Janae

Hannah said...

Well, I am here and listening and I care!!! <3 I love to write but sometimes our emotions are so overwhelming and overly sensitive that it seems impossible or pointless to try and put that on paper. Sometimes I just "feel" the emotions for a few days and give myself time to work through these emotions until at some point my mind feels ready to interpret these feelings onto paper.

Even though I am not a mother, I can really relate to what you are going through. When I transfered colleges my junior year, I went to a school one and a half hours away from all my family and friends. I knew no one and I was scared to death. I became really homesick, I missed my younger siblings who I always felt more like a mother towards (my youngest sibling is 20 years younger than me). I constantly worried about them while I was away. "Are they eating enough? Are they able to get to practice? Do my parents need my help?" I would go home every weekend to see them and make sure everything was ok. And of course everyone was fine, no one was deathly ill or missed an appointment. I felt like because I wasn't home, that my parents would not be able to pick up was I left for them to do. Which is silly of me. They are awesome parents, why should I worry that they won't be ok? God will take care of them, just like he took care of me while in college, while I cried myself to sleep, and while I focused more on my family than my schooling. Your daughter will be alright and do great things! And I am sure she will miss you more than you may think, even if she doesn't call or visit as much as you would like her too. I pray that God gives you both strength and peace.

Hannah <3

Anonymous said...

I just wanted you to know this story is worth hearing. The other day, in fact the same day you did your Instagram post on your daughter. I had an appointment that day with a lady who couldn't stop crying for the same reason.
I wish, I had open my feed during the time she was there. Never think your voice is not being heard or needed. Thx

Chrissy said...

So glad you "just wrote"! I can only imagine how hard it must be to let go after so many years - I know it will be hard come the day I will have to let go. Thinking of you and your wonderful family - praying for you, for strength and for looking forward! Hugs xxx

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Christine said...

You are a wonderful mama and have a raised a beautiful & capable daughter! Praying for you during this time of change!

mekrizan said...

Yes, Gina, it feels like mourning, because all goodbyes are a part of grieving. Death is the ultimate goodbye, but whenever we are separated from those we love, it's a "mini-goodbye" and can be very painful. But the good news in this case is that after you adjust to her moving on, you will get more involved in your own life and new joys will replace the old ones. And two hours away is a very comfortable distance--she has her space but is within quick reach!!

Krista said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom to comfort you but all I can do is let you know that I care. I care indeed. Hugs to you Gina.

Jack Cohen said...

Hi Gina. I am the lucky reader of your blog. I met you! I was able to see beyond words on a paper on the iPhone the iPad that you are an incredible woman, creative, intelligent and beautiful.
As you know, I have just sent my child off to college also. I understand completely what you're experiencing. However, you are an extremely resilient and resourceful woman. Your child will do well, do extremely well. She will be just like you; you have instilled in her all the wonderful characteristics and qualities that you have. It's just another chapter in your life. You need to have a wonderful vacation and enjoy every moment of every day and continue doing what you do. It was a pleasure meeting you, although it was too short.
Take lots of photographs and share your experiences.
I am grateful to have met you.
Jack

christina said...

sending hugs.

chambanachik said...

So glad you're writing. We all definitely care!! :)

Hope things are going well with all the changes.

Rachel said...

I also hear that from myself sometimes, the discouragement of "no one cares what you have to say." Ignoring it is a good strategy. :) Leaving the home is hard...it was hard on me and I know it was hard on my mom. Especially so because all of her first three kids have left the country in order to go to college....that's a huge separation to go through!

Knitted Fox said...

Seems like I'm not the only one with feeling discouraged about blogging~ that in itself is encouraging! I'm also so glad you "just wrote"! Thank you for sharing your feelings Gina, you are such an inspiration.

*hugs!!!!*