Thursday, March 14, 2013

Breakthroughs

I'm beginning to see the light!

If you've been around my blog for any amount of time in the last 2 years or so, you know how close my teenage daughter and I are. You'd also know that that relationship has shifted through the last year or so and it's been hard on me. Up until about a year ago, this girl depended on me still. She needed me. She wanted me. She liked me. Ok, maybe she still likes me technically, but she was still "into" me. Then she started pulling away and that confused me. She started not needing me in the same ways (and I'm being very vague because there is so much to write about but I don't want to focus on this today). I couldn't understand what was happening to the relationship that we had held for so long. I think because this pulling away for independence happened so much later for her than most teens, is why it was so hard for me. It shocked me actually. Geez, it's like I missed the memo on the fact that your teenage kids pull away and search for their own freedom and try to survive on their own two wings. Hello.

Her changing rocked my world. I process things. I am a reflector, therefore a processor. That means when things happen in my life, I try to figure out what they mean, what they will represent, what God is doing and so forth. I'm always seeking the wisdom and the goodness that is there. And I'm always looking for the answers and trying to figure out how I'll get through something that affects me so deeply)but actually, it was when I decided to let go, that I started to make these breakthroughs, funny how that happens, when you stop trying to "figure it out", is when you figure it out).

This passed year with Madelynn changing has been no different for me. I have kicked, screamed, cried, whined, and even taken some of my pain out on her. Not my proudest moments. But hey, my life as I knew it was changing, my very essence of motherhood was shifting, and I was scared.

I realized last week that I missed her. I missed my girl. I missed how things once were. For the last year I have been so focused on all the losses that were coming with this point in motherhood, that I couldn't see any new gains. You know that feeling when you are hurting, or confused and people try to tell you truth or something that will make you feel better? Or they give you their experience to try to help you see it in a new way but you just can't because you are so stuck?

I've had precious people share stuff with me about this whole transition period I am in with my daughter (she's 18 now btw), and a lot of what they've shared actually has helped factually, but I couldn't really take it as my truth or apply it to my situation, because I was drowning in my own misery of motherhood. My heart was so swollen from pain, I couldn't really believe it.

I see now that what others have shared with me really did affect me. I just didn't see it come full circle or believe it until now. I didn't "see the light" until just today!!!


Here's the thing--if we think about our relationships, even marriage for instance. We all get stuck on what we think it is or what we want or what we want to hang onto. So many of us are ignorant to what marriage really is when we get married, that once we are married and in it for years and years, we wonder why it is the way it is. Stick with me. I have held onto my marriage from when it first started, meaning, when things have changed and didn't go at all how I thought they would, I was confused once again! For so long I longed for what my marriage "once was". I craved it. I longed for it and I mourned it. The early years. Gosh the early years. I finally realized, it wasn't coming back! Marriage changes, and quickly, and constantly. Friendships do as well. But I'm convinced we think they have stayed the same and we treat those relationships like they have, and that causes issues and tension in our own hearts and the lives of others.

I think it's why so many of us feel nostalgia when we think of our parents when we were little. Or at least I do. I had some rough childhood years, but there are sweet moments I have collected that I remember and long for. It hurts to think of them actually. I want them back in a way. But see, that changes too, our relationship with our parents. Nothing, I mean nothing, stays the same. I think our creatures of habit selves cling to what we know or what we are comfortable with or what we really held dear. And when change occurs, it can leave us confused, desolate, and feeling hopeless. And that's what's happened with motherhood for me.

My very role is changing before my eyes. What once was, will no longer be. What?!?
I'm still having trouble with that, but, I now am starting to see that light. I see the positive side of her spreading her wings and trying to survive without me. Gosh Gina, duh! I see the good side of her gaining independence, and I see a beautiful future as she becomes the woman she will be! I see and feel excitement thinking about what is ahead instead of focusing on what I have lost behind me. As many old chapters as there is in motherhood there are a hundred plus more in my new phase of motherhood. What a blessing that is!!! I pray that we will see a day of college graduation, engagement, marriage, grandchildren, her first house, all of the super exciting beginnings for her, I'll be able to enjoy and my heart will be fuller than it's ever been!

And the coolest part will be that I will not have to be doing the hard work like I've done for almost 20 years, I just get to enjoy the benefits (at least I hope to) of her life as an adult!

I too get to start a new life, just like her. New discoveries, new adventures, and new freedoms. It's been a while friends.

So here's to new beginnings, letting go of what was, and hope for the future--because unknown territory doesn't have to be a scary thing, it can be an amazing thing.




Photobucket

17 comments:

Auntie Bliss said...

It has been a smack in the face for me. Yet, I don't want to hold back the things I've set my boy up to do all this time.
We are in it together!!! and yes to the adventures ahead!!! how exciting for us! some freedom and some fun :) wish you were closer in proximity to me!!

Barb said...

I'm happy to hear that you are coming to terms with all the changes, Gina. There is no way around it - you have to go through.

Kathy Masterjohn said...

You make me prouder and prouder every day. You will love most of your new beginnings.

Hannah said...

What a great perspective on such a hard time in life! I agree, it's a new beginning for both of you and it can be such a great one to, if you let it!

About your comments on my blog - Thank you, you are such a great encourager, and I love to hear from you!! :D Yes, I'm an artist! I've posted a few things about my art on my blog (there's also a link on the side to my portfolio). I love to paint and draw, and recently I have been sewing and doing needlework - such fun! Again, thanks for your kind words :)

trishie said...

So true about relationships, Gina. They evolve and change over life and does take some coping and adjusting to.

Enjoy the new beginning and I hope you adjust in time. I know it can't be easy!

Mandy Crandell said...

Glad to hear that you have "found the light". I honestly believe the parent-child relationship is so much better once the child hits 24+. You develop an understanding of one another. At least that's how it has been with my parents.

http://mandycrandell.blogspot.com/

christina said...

I had a hard time with kindergarten. geesh I will be just like you I am sure!

Just think, you did such an amazing job raising her,that she is confident to out into the world with out you:)

Tamera Beardsley said...

My dear Gina... so happy to hear you are well on your way! Sending much love your way!

Jean said...

Gina, you are very fortunate to have had experience all of that as the teenage years while parents & most teens are not like yours. It's mostly rebelion and your parents are the enemy... they don't want you to be happy... parents are controlling... but as we age, we, the ones that may have rebelled, we learn why our parents do that. so, again, you are very fortunate you have/had those moments.

it's all a new beginning for all of you... your daughter. yourself. your husband. and the relationship you all have w/ each other. and yes, you get to rest some, but you won't stop being a terrific mother you are.

i know.. i hope this snow melts soon so we can get us some coffee!!! ;) and thanks, i really do try to read up on photography and snap, snap away ;)

Stephanie said...

I am constantly taking your beautiful thoughts on parenting and storing them away for when Avery is older. Some of them I've even started using already. I think a lot about how you've handled different situations, and try to tuck those things away for when Avery is a teenager. Just know what I admire you so much for your longing to be the best mother possible, and sharing your ups and downs with us. There are just so many beautiful words of wisdom and encouragement here, and I am blessed by your posts every time I read them.

Praying for your new season in life, that the transition will become easier, and that your relationship with your daughter blossoms into something more beautiful than you can possibly imagine.

BARBIE said...

Oh the transition to indpendence in our children is so hard. I just married off my first daughter in June, and she needs me at this point in her life so much. In some ways, we are closer now. Praying your heart is continuually throught this process.

Liv Lundelius said...

Change is never easy but usually necessary to grow! You are doing great and you will enjoy the NEW!

Kassie Rew said...

You make a good point here...that are relationships are always changing. I often long for what my husband and I's relationship was like when we were dating and that just isn't how life goes.

Gaby said...

Gosh being a mom sounds hard. I can relate to your story from a different angle, but my mom and I are still so close, even though I've lived on the other side of the world for 5 years. Nothing can break that bond x

Pretty lady said...

God has good things in your future. Trust & smile for what's to come!

Krista said...

I have a feeling I will struggle with this too. So glad you have learned to embrace the change and I will remind myself of that as I go through some similar experiences.

Magical Day Dream said...

When I was 18 I left to India for half a year. My mother was terrified by the idea (although she also fully supported it). I left a card by her bed that read: "there are two things we should give our chidden. One is roots, the other wings" My parents have given me great roots, a loving home and everything I could wish for. But at one point children will also need to see what they can do without their parents. In the end it will make them into more beautiful people. My mother still has the card; I know it means a lot to her :)