And So She Writes

{there is so so much to catch up on friends, and in my next post i'll do that, but for now, i wanted to tell you all that i got an iphone finally, so i am taking better pics! here is one i took of a farm-isn't it gorgeous!? i also have been doing a lot of crocheting, i can't wait to share with you all, and i hope you'll tell me what you've been up to too, i've missed you like crazy. but for now i'm going to try to share my heart-it might be mumbo jumbo so bare with me}

I am a blogger. I am a writer. I am a mother, and I am a daughter. I'm also a sister, a friend, and a companion. I am giving, kind, gentle, and articulate. I can be artistic, some would say I'm creative, and others might say I'm wise. We are all a lot of wonderful, uplifting, positive things, aren't we? For me, I've struggled my whole life trying to get worth from each and every one of them. I've made it my life's work until recently, to be defined by these attributes. I may be a collection of these things, but I am not these things, my life may reflect these things, but they do not define who I am, meaning, I am not more worthy because I am any of these things. That's a hard lesson to learn, and I think it took blogging for me to see that.

One of the reasons I've been quiet around here is because I've been going through a season of change and it's paralyzed me in a way where I couldn't write. I was sick on and off for months from a Sjogren's flare up, my husband lost his job over a month ago, I started class on Monday nights in September, my daughter is turning 18 in a week, and senior year is keeping me very busy. It's a season. And it's ok.

When I first started blogging, I felt such a new sense of freedom! It was like the flood gates opened and I was going to take on the world! If you are a writer, you know exactly what I mean. I had blank page after blank page where I could write whatever I pretty much wanted and I could hit publish and BAM, it would go out into the world wide web, and I was going to change the world! It was liberating and it was a privilege to write a blog. It was a blessing. A gift. But I soon realized how many blogs there were and how many good, amazing, outstanding, creative blogs there were and I felt defeated.

See back to what I first said about my life's work getting worth from the great things I am. I did that same thing through blogging I think. When a day or two would  pass after I had just blogged, I felt pressure to write another post. I felt like I was striving to get something, and struggling to keep it, and anytime I have that going on in my life, including with this blog, I know something is off, not quite right in my spirit. It's not that my blog needed to go, it's that my perspective on it had to change.

For a while I thought I needed a ton of followers and the best looking blog, and amazing photos, and excellent pieces--I eventually realized, I needed just to be me. My readers are happy with just me. I didn't have to strive to make my blog something so I would get noticed. I've always fought with wanting to be noticed because of the abuse I've had in my past. It's a subconscious thing. Thinking I am not important or that I'm a nobody if {fill in the blank}. I hate believing such lies, don't you!?

I now know I can just simply appear, and write and share when I am able, and that is that. I now know I don't have to write every day or every other day to gain likes, and followers, and readers. That is too much pressure on me, and then I'm just back in the cycle of trying to produce something so I'll be sought after, or liked or worthy. And that feeling stinks. It corrupts my heart. And I don't like it.

Many things make me, me. But the number one thing that defines me is being God's child. And I know if I never blogged a day again in my life, or ever cooked dinner, or ever kept house, I would still be loved by God, because the unique thing with God is we don't have to do a thing to have or keep His love. And I love knowing that I can rest in that when life feels tough and it's too much to take on. And I'll approach my blog with a light hearted-ness, not trying to gain, attain, strive or fight for a thing. And I'll be filled with gratitude when readers come along, and people share their lives with me as I share mine with them. Because that is where the true gift is.