Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Fighting For Truth

First time I had put on a pair of shoes in a week, other than being in and out of the hospital and running around in my slippers. It's been a hard hard week friends. Tougher, harder, and more trying than most I've ever had. I would say I haven't had a week like this since 2007.

My daughter lied to me over a week ago, and it hurt. It stung. Because it wasn't just the lie, it was about what she had done. I also woke up last Monday morning sick. I thought it was just chronic fatigue, but my symptoms were getting worse. Turns out it was a flare up from my Sjogren's (similar to Lupus). I finally stabilized I'd say, Friday. But that whole week I had a melt down. I took Madelynn's lie and what she did upon myself. I turned it into this=that language (which is what I'm learning in class haha). So for instance, "Madelynn lied, so that means I'm a terrible Mother." Or that I have failed as a Mother, or I am no good.

But it got worse than that. I resorted to child like behavior because I was hurting so badly. Let me explain a little bit...my blog is, after all, authentic, and that's what I vow it to be. I can not be someone else here. I have to share my heart.

When I was 4 I was sexually abused. When I was in grade school I was bullied to the point that boys set my hair on fire. Then in my adult life I was raped and had many other unsafe situations in between. The point to tell you this is not to get sympathy. It's to tell you that because of those things done to me, and told to me I, for most of my life have thought I am unlovable. I've done a lot of work in counseling for this specifically. But I still get triggered. And that is exactly what happened last week with Madelynn. I started believing lies that I use to believe my whole life: you are a loser, you are not good enough, no one loves you, you shouldn't be here, you should hurt yourself, you are not worthy and on and on. I resorted to behavior that was not good for me, or my family.

But I'm here today to tell you all of this just in case any of you have struggled in a similar way. I know I stand in truth today of who I am in Christ. Whether you are a christian reading this or not. It doesn't matter. God made you beautifully perfect. None of what the world negatively or harmfully says about you is true. Media bombards us with lies. They are not true. Co-workers bombard us with lies, they are not true. Spouses bombard us with lies, they are not true. Families bombard us with lies, they are not true.

The real truth is that we are loved by a God that is so powerful that none of what others say, or do to us can touch us! We can be free from other's views of us! We don't have to live our life in bondage to what others say or do to us. Because we know that we were made perfectly--we might not be perfect, but we were made perfectly and brought into a messed up backwards world--and that the lies of this world don't have a say. God has the say. And I had to fight my way out of last week to get to a True place. I was drowning in lies because I was triggered. Something happened, (Madelynn lied and did something wrong), and I resorted back to my wounded self, so I behaved poorly, like a hurting little 10 year old. It was so hard and it was so sad, but ya know what? Our home is a home founded on grace and forgiveness. And mercy. Each and everyone of us screw up, but we are holding each other up in Truth.

A perfect example--if I don't already have you completely confused! Is when I went into the modeling business. I was about 18 or 19. Different agencies told me left and right that I was too short, that my teeth were too croocked and that I needed to "lose a few". I did a little bit of work with some small agencies, mainly with a friend, but the point I'm making is that those were LIES. Do you hear what I'm saying here?
I am not too short! My teeth are perfect, crooked and all! And my weight, well I've just come to terms with that a few years ago and that's a whole other blog post, but that was a lie too. I did not need to "lose a few".

See these are lies that the world is winning us on you guys! Don't by into it! Take your power back by telling yourself the truth! We have so many embedded memories from so long ago that are still there that we don't even realize that can one day come up out of the blue. We can be triggered or remember it for some reason and it can cause us pain or trouble. It's important to heal those wounds. And maybe I can write about that one day too. The book Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen is good, and the book Escaping The Matrix by Greg Boyd and Al Larson is amazing, that's the book that will help you with retraining your mind.

But for now, there is something we can all do. It's called "pattern interrupt". 
If you are struggling with something or having a bad day, let's say you think to yourself, 
"I'm not cut out for this job, I'm not smart enough, I'm worthless here."  OR "I'm not a good enough wife, there are so many pretty women out there, and my husband might not find me as attractive." OR "I'm not very good at motherhood, I get frustrated easily when my baby cries and I have negative thoughts." 

Be aware of your self talk in your mind. Our brains are so powerful and we can control what we think by creating new habits and patterns. Being aware is the most important thing you can do. So if I catch myself saying, "I didn't cook or bake today, I'm such an awful wife." Here is how I can do a "pattern interrupt". I can say to myself, 
"I'm just getting over being sick, that's ok, maybe my husband can cook or we can do frozen meals, that's ok, my worth isn't determined on whether I cook or bake."
We can stop being negative and be positive. We can apply truth.

The person who said what they said about their job, can say something like this: "I am a worthy employee, maybe I want to start looking around into new opportunities, I do have special skills, but maybe they would be more appreciated somewhere else. My worth is not based on my job here,"

The wife can say this: "I am beautiful in God's eyes and that's the most important. There will always be pretty girls around, and that's ok. My husband loves me and married me, but I don't need to find my worth in him thinking I'm the prettiest."

The mother can say, "I'm having a rough day and I think I need a break, I think I'll ask someone to give me one. It's ok that I think negative thoughts because I am not perfect and parenting is hard; that doesn't make me an unfit or bad mother."

It's all about not taking what you feel, and making that real. What we feel is usually not reality. And that's something we all have to remember moment by moment. It's so easy to let our feelings rule our days. But most of the time, that's all they are, feelings. But not truth. 

I am not sure where all of you get your worth from. I use to get mine in men, modeling, music, materialism, etc..and I still struggle from time to time with the things of this world that I want to cling to, but now I know my worth is found in God. He defines who I am. Not anyone, or anything else. And that is a Truth I can count on. And so can you. No matter where you are in your beliefs.

Please let me know in a comment if you are
 thoroughly confused and have questions!!!



Lora said...

so good, gina. your words are like powerful arrows into the heart of the enemy. i really needed to read this today. thank you, as always, for speaking truth over me. praying for you, too... lora

Elisha said...

Gina gina gina.. I'm so glad I met you through this blogland because I LOVE YOU. You always encourage me in your blog posts, and you make me feel great everytime you leave a comment. :)
I DO understand your pain.. Your past sounds very similar to my bestfriend's. I've helped her cope with her pain, and if you need to do the same? I'M 101% HERE.
Email me, or facebook add and message me, and I'll be your friend.. someone to talk to. xoxoxo

christina said...

wow heavy and real post today.

lying does not sit well with me ... I must confess...it can be at times a deal breaker.

but you know what? Satan is the father of lies. and you have to be armed and ready when he some to attack.armed scripture and the good word.

keep on doing what your doing and don't feed into those lies : )( hugs!)

Michelle said...

Oh Gina. First, I am SO sorry you had such a difficult week! Not to mention everything you've had to deal with in your life.

Second, this is an INCREDIBLE post. It truly is. I'm horrible about beating myself up with my thoughts. This is something I need to remember. I need to read this post several more times!

Laura said...

Gina, your heart is incredible and so powerful. Thank you so much for being so honest and real. Your faith in Jesus is staggering considering all that you have been through. You're truly an inspiration. So much love for you and many prayers being said for you. Xxx

ruthy ann said...

wow...talk about sharing your heart!! I didn't know what was going on, but was praying for you through the week. We are so frail as humans aren't we? so easily broken, so in need of a savior. thank you for sharing so openly...praying for continued strength and healing friend.

Amy said...

Gina, did you write that for me... Well, once again you listened to What God was speaking to your heart and it spoke to mine. in a HUGE way. HUGE. I can't even tell you, (well I think I may have in an email this morning) about the Depressive state I have been struggling with in the last few weeks. I sat on the sofa this morning crying to my husband. and in my mind I kept hearing (your such a looser) YUP. That is right Good Ol Satan, King of LIES and ugliness. Thank you Gina, for being you.
For listening to God's loving words.
and as for your daughter, I feel the same when Mine screws up, I always think , My goodness, what did I do wrong as a Mother, why am I always failing her....More lies from Satan.... dang him.

I thank you . thank you, thank you. You bless me.

Rissi said...

We wouldn't be being honest if any of us were to say that we never struggle with material things. I believe all mere human beings do - some to lesser extents. Honesty is a quality I value a great deal and am sorry about some of the things you had to deal with in your past, Gina. I am glad you have been able to overcome it and live a life in Christ. :-)

nicole said...

thank you for speaking truths.

GOOSE said...

A post I am sure will and could benefit many. Thank you. You are in my prayers.
Gooses MOM

Mary said...

A to the MEN!!!
i had always struggled with self worth and belonging, until i realized that i am who i am because of Who HE is!
i desperately want Him to define me.
i am a wife, mother, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, teacher and more...
but i am His and HE is mine and i want that to be the core of my very being. HIS child.
love you.
so glad He showed you His strength in your time of weakness.
you are beauty FULL.

Pretty lady said...

OH MY GOSH GINA! You're such a woman I never fail to admire!!!Thank you for this

vintage grey said...

Such a powerful and truthful post sweet friend! Thank you for sharing your heart! God is so awesome, and His love for us is amazing! Praying for you! Have a lovely night! xo Heather

Sarah said...

Oh Gena, I'm so sorry you had a rough week. Also having rough childhood and the other sad things that happend. You have a sweet heart and it hurts to see family in Chris suffer. Good for you for putting your shoes on and getting out and about. Don't push yourself, but keep it up. Things will turn around.

- Sarah

HopeUnbroken said...

beautiful rebuttal to the enemy's lies. love you. praying for you and hoping you continue to mend and feel well. thank you for sharing your words--even the hard ones.

Liza said...

I had been wondering how you had been lately. I'm sorry that it hasn't been good. I'll be praying for you.

You inspire me Gina. The more I learn about you the more in awe I am of your outlook on life. I am more humbled to really start to truly see myself and other's how God sees us.

I have some pretty detrimental self talk that goes on in my head & honestly I usually just let it linger there and don't really try to deal with it. I struggle to find my worth in God, not in being the perfect wife or mother or friend. I'm longing to work on that though, it's just hard to let that concept of "perfection" go.

Beautiful post friend!

Krista said...

Your light shines so bright. I am so blessed to have found you. Let me say that my heart hurts knowing you went through such horrible situations in your life but you are already victorious in understanding and fighting for the Truth. You have blessed so many by posting this.

I in particular am blessed by your words "t's so easy to let our feelings rule our days. But most of the time, that's all they are, feelings. But not truth. "

So glad to see you feeling better and finding strength and peace in the Truth.

God bless you Gina!

Autumn said...

Lying makes me have a similar reaction too. I love that you are doing this lay counseling right now though because I am sure you are learning so so much and will bless so many others with it too.

I love your perspective on things. What we feel is usually not reality...so true. My husband tells me this a lot.

Jean said...

Oh, I love this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's so true, or at least I believe so. People are so caught up in the media.. no matter which media it is... They get sucked into it and draws them to worse situations than needed... then they think they have the right to tell you what you should do and yada yada yada... I have been somewhat irritated w/ ppl and their behaviors lately... as if they try to bring me down b/c I am fairly a happy person... and when I am not, I don't take it out on folks... Ugh!!!

I am so sorry your daughter lied. It's going to happen, it is.... I know I did a lot of that... and choosing to live w/ my boyfriend out of wedlock... my folks hated that... but they have learned to love and accept my decisions.

I will be thinking of you and hope you are doing better. Just remember that she still is young and whatever your daughter decides to do, that she is safe.

Janette said...

Oh my gosh! I love you so much Gina! For real! Your faith and honesty is so inspiring.. I love that you share your struggles with us.. Especially this! I think many women struggle with feelings of self-worth, and up until reading your post, I didn't know that I had these issues too. Deep in my heart, I think such negative thoughts..but I kind of supress them... Thanks for sharing.. For real! you have no idea! You've been through SOOOO much and your input, thoughts, and wisdom are valuable. Keep sharing!



Elisha said...

I AGREE. With basically everyone.. I just HAD to come back to this post, because you've been on my mind so much since I last read this. I pray that you know that you are defined not by your works, or people in your life.. NO, YOU ARE DEFINED, WHOLLY AND FULLY LOVED AND CARED FOR BY GOD.
Cast your burdens on Jesus, for He cares for you.
It's true.. you know why your going through this? Because he wanted you to.. It's all for a reason. xoxo

Erica said...

Oh my, so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch. Just think positive. Like you said the mind is a powerful thing and you can either bring yourself down by beating yourself up or bring yourself up by thinking positive things. No one is perfect. Live and learn. You'll get past the rough spot soon enough. I'm thinking of you.

keishua said...

i can only imagine how hard it was to press publish. thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Julie Marie said...

As always thank you for being real, friend. I needed to read this. I have ups and downs frequently, I was feel that creep down...I hate going there. I'm so sorry for the things you have been through and am thankful each day God continues to restore your heart and remind you of his gentle love for you. xo

Sarah Kate {Dixie Creek Farm} said...

Oh my, this is such a deep and heart-wrenching post that I'm not even sure I'm qualified to respond to the first part of it. Suffice it to say, I think you are a beautiful, caring soul and it breaks my heart to think about you being abused as a child and bullied at school. I just want to wrap your 4-year-old self in a great big hug and tell her she's loved.

Now the second part of your post - this is something I think about ALL the time, where do I find my worth? I think I'm still stuck in the pattern of finding my worth in the things I do, or didn't do. I don't know if it's low self-esteem or just mixed up priorities, but I do have issues with this, as I'm sure a lot of people do. It's something I've been working on changing for awhile, even before reading your post, but it is NOT easy.

his little lady said...

So sorry to hear all the things that you have been through in your life. You are such a brave person for sharing this with us. And as long as you take each trial as a time to learn, to be refined, and to be a better person you can make it through anything. Remember that God only gives us those things that he knows we can handle. You are a wonderful mother. And when children do things negatively, do not take it as a sign of your failure. I know, because that was me growing up. I was extremely disrespectful to my mother and blamed her for everything. But once I went off to college I was able to look back in life with a clear and adult mind and see the mistakes that I made because of me. She will do the same, and come back with open arms and apologies. Promise!
Get better girl, and know that your Heavenly Father knows and loves you very much. Rely on Him and pray daily.
xo TJ

BARBIE said...

Thank you for speaking truth and life right into my spirit. I still struggle with feeling worthy, loved or good enough. Every time there is situation at home, it's always my fault. (Well, not really, but you get it I know.) I struggle to reverse the lies with truth. I'm 46. Hopefully one day this side of heaven I will get it. I appreciate our honesty and transparency.

Cherry said...

Oh Gina, I'm sorry to hear all those horrible things that happened in your past. But I've read that such things happen to us so we go back to God. During those times when we feel unloved, God never really left us, but he wants us to seek him again in our lives, and because of those experiences, we become better person like you are right now, beautiful, brave and honest. Thanks for sharing this to us.

Cherry, http://mylifelatelyblog.blogspot.com/

trishie said...

Oh Gina, what a powerful post. It is so brave of you to tell us about the horrible things that you experienced in the past. I believe you are a very wonderful mother, do not think otherwise. Take care and hope you feel better soon.

Tamera Beardsley said...

My dearest Gina, another post that left we entirely wet faced. And oh the comments...I truly hope you can hear and experience how very much you are loved!

I am so very sorry that you were lied to...oh do i know the shock, disbelief and seething heartbreak that comes as a result. Please know I am always here for you... Did you know that I feel such a connection with you...that I have kept all of your emails in a folder on my computer...sometimes talking to another mother can be so cathartic.

I send you love, prayers and strength. i hope you and your heart are both on the mend.

Auntie Bliss said...

Hello from Instagram! It's pcovi!! :)
I went to Alaska on a mission trip this summer...the missionary there says the whole state is in pain from past hurts...like yours...she talks constantly the way you are here.
I memorized the words that David said to Goliath when I need to toss satan...it works for me!

Auntie Bliss said...

also...I have MS...so I can understand that fatigue...

Vic said...

You're like the wind beneath my wings...love you! xoxo

Kristin said...

Wow. Thank you for this honest, soul-baring post. It was such an encouragement to me. I think this is something we ALL struggle with Gina!

Faddicshion said...

always keep your beautiful imagination and exquisite humor xx

Day-Dreamin' Optimist said...

Gina, I have missed you sunshine! I am sorry to see that this last week has been a rough one on you, and I commend you for opening up with all of us here.

Thank you for sharing the words of Truth, and it is so good to see your words again! Now that I'm back, I will be seeing you more often :).

I can see that the Lord has really been blessing you through this blog, and of all the relationships you have been able to make through it. That you are being encouraged, that you are encouraging others. Darling, you are a blessing to all of us, and me! Take care!

Emily said...

this post was beautiful. and i know i'm the 30th something person to say that, but it truly was heart felt. i love reading your (as your said) authentic writing. you always have a big message hidden (and sometimes not so hidden) in your words--and they are words that help us all. so, thank you!

Liv Lundelius said...

You are strong and beautiful!
Sharing your story means a lot.
Even better how far you have come reflecting on yourself and moving on.

As a teen I lied so so so much to Mum, I did always love her, it's just the silly things teenagers go through. She will learn her own lessons and she is a beautiful young women that will fill work it all out.

Hugs and strength!

christa jean said...

"It's all about not taking what you feel, and making that real."

Fabulous truth in that line, dear! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart. We are all in this journey together!