First time I had put on a pair of shoes in a week, other than being in and out of the hospital and running around in my slippers. It's been a hard hard week friends. Tougher, harder, and more trying than most I've ever had. I would say I haven't had a week like this since 2007.
My daughter lied to me over a week ago, and it hurt. It stung. Because it wasn't just the lie, it was about what she had done. I also woke up last Monday morning sick. I thought it was just chronic fatigue, but my symptoms were getting worse. Turns out it was a flare up from my Sjogren's (similar to Lupus). I finally stabilized I'd say, Friday. But that whole week I had a melt down. I took Madelynn's lie and what she did upon myself. I turned it into this=that language (which is what I'm learning in class haha). So for instance, "Madelynn lied, so that means I'm a terrible Mother." Or that I have failed as a Mother, or I am no good.
But it got worse than that. I resorted to child like behavior because I was hurting so badly. Let me explain a little bit...my blog is, after all, authentic, and that's what I vow it to be. I can not be someone else here. I have to share my heart.
When I was 4 I was sexually abused. When I was in grade school I was bullied to the point that boys set my hair on fire. Then in my adult life I was raped and had many other unsafe situations in between. The point to tell you this is not to get sympathy. It's to tell you that because of those things done to me, and told to me I, for most of my life have thought I am unlovable. I've done a lot of work in counseling for this specifically. But I still get triggered. And that is exactly what happened last week with Madelynn. I started believing lies that I use to believe my whole life: you are a loser, you are not good enough, no one loves you, you shouldn't be here, you should hurt yourself, you are not worthy and on and on. I resorted to behavior that was not good for me, or my family.
But I'm here today to tell you all of this just in case any of you have struggled in a similar way. I know I stand in truth today of who I am in Christ. Whether you are a christian reading this or not. It doesn't matter. God made you beautifully perfect. None of what the world negatively or harmfully says about you is true. Media bombards us with lies. They are not true. Co-workers bombard us with lies, they are not true. Spouses bombard us with lies, they are not true. Families bombard us with lies, they are not true.
The real truth is that we are loved by a God that is so powerful that none of what others say, or do to us can touch us! We can be free from other's views of us! We don't have to live our life in bondage to what others say or do to us. Because we know that we were made perfectly--we might not be perfect, but we were made perfectly and brought into a messed up backwards world--and that the lies of this world don't have a say. God has the say. And I had to fight my way out of last week to get to a True place. I was drowning in lies because I was triggered. Something happened, (Madelynn lied and did something wrong), and I resorted back to my wounded self, so I behaved poorly, like a hurting little 10 year old. It was so hard and it was so sad, but ya know what? Our home is a home founded on grace and forgiveness. And mercy. Each and everyone of us screw up, but we are holding each other up in Truth.
A perfect example--if I don't already have you completely confused! Is when I went into the modeling business. I was about 18 or 19. Different agencies told me left and right that I was too short, that my teeth were too croocked and that I needed to "lose a few". I did a little bit of work with some small agencies, mainly with a friend, but the point I'm making is that those were LIES. Do you hear what I'm saying here?
I am not too short! My teeth are perfect, crooked and all! And my weight, well I've just come to terms with that a few years ago and that's a whole other blog post, but that was a lie too. I did not need to "lose a few".
See these are lies that the world is winning us on you guys! Don't by into it! Take your power back by telling yourself the truth! We have so many embedded memories from so long ago that are still there that we don't even realize that can one day come up out of the blue. We can be triggered or remember it for some reason and it can cause us pain or trouble. It's important to heal those wounds. And maybe I can write about that one day too. The book Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen is good, and the book Escaping The Matrix by Greg Boyd and Al Larson is amazing, that's the book that will help you with retraining your mind.
But for now, there is something we can all do. It's called "pattern interrupt".
If you are struggling with something or having a bad day, let's say you think to yourself,
"I'm not cut out for this job, I'm not smart enough, I'm worthless here." OR "I'm not a good enough wife, there are so many pretty women out there, and my husband might not find me as attractive." OR "I'm not very good at motherhood, I get frustrated easily when my baby cries and I have negative thoughts."
Be aware of your self talk in your mind. Our brains are so powerful and we can control what we think by creating new habits and patterns. Being aware is the most important thing you can do. So if I catch myself saying, "I didn't cook or bake today, I'm such an awful wife." Here is how I can do a "pattern interrupt". I can say to myself,
"I'm just getting over being sick, that's ok, maybe my husband can cook or we can do frozen meals, that's ok, my worth isn't determined on whether I cook or bake."
We can stop being negative and be positive. We can apply truth.
The person who said what they said about their job, can say something like this: "I am a worthy employee, maybe I want to start looking around into new opportunities, I do have special skills, but maybe they would be more appreciated somewhere else. My worth is not based on my job here,"
The wife can say this: "I am beautiful in God's eyes and that's the most important. There will always be pretty girls around, and that's ok. My husband loves me and married me, but I don't need to find my worth in him thinking I'm the prettiest."
The mother can say, "I'm having a rough day and I think I need a break, I think I'll ask someone to give me one. It's ok that I think negative thoughts because I am not perfect and parenting is hard; that doesn't make me an unfit or bad mother."
It's all about not taking what you feel, and making that real. What we feel is usually not reality. And that's something we all have to remember moment by moment. It's so easy to let our feelings rule our days. But most of the time, that's all they are, feelings. But not truth.
I am not sure where all of you get your worth from. I use to get mine in men, modeling, music, materialism, etc..and I still struggle from time to time with the things of this world that I want to cling to, but now I know my worth is found in God. He defines who I am. Not anyone, or anything else. And that is a Truth I can count on. And so can you. No matter where you are in your beliefs.
Please let me know in a comment if you are
thoroughly confused and have questions!!!