I can not believe it's been two weeks since I last spoke with all of you. I am so so sorry! I had a post in the works--a post on products, you know, things like mascara and lip gloss, that are of extreme importance? Ya, those things.
Well, I didn't finish it, but I will. But I didn't because I couldn't put a post about reviewing products (which I was only doing to lighten things up around here because of my last post, thank you all for your support btw), when there is something else going on. Something very very very sad and heavy.
I didn't want to share it because I don't want my readers to give up on me! But I had to let you know what was going on, because I've said it before and I'll say it again--I've always vowed to make this a space of meaningfulness. And that's what I'll do.
So, there is no easy way to say it, but there has been 3 suicides in my daughters High School in less than 1 week. There were 2 accidental deaths just weeks before that. And before that, another death. So one school, one small town of 18,000 has suffered the loss of 6 kids, children, rather.
It's incomprehensible to me and, well, to everyone. This last one, the one that happened last night, was a friend of Madelynn's-- not in her friend group per say, but he was a theater kid, a show choir kid.
Madelynn stayed home from school today and it's days like today that I am so so ever so thankful that I am a "stay at home mom". Because I was with my child all day long. I had to run a few errands and she asked me if she could go with because she was scared. And the night before, when she had gotten home from a funeral of the other boy, she collapsed in my arms and just let me hold her. My child wanted to be held, something that is more rare as they get up in the teen years. I so embraced her and neither of us wanted to let go.
And then that night I made her look me in the eyes while I told her of my abundant, unending love for her. And that even though I tell her several times a day that I love her, that this time I needed her to see it in my eyes. I needed her to know that through and through, I am here. I needed her to know that I will be a Mom who,(as she well knows), until she leaves for College, constantly asking her questions the way I do. Which she wonders about sometimes, but most of the time appreciates them, and actually likes them. The questions have been going on for so long that she's quite taken to them now. So as I was looking her in the eye, I had to ask: "You are not having thoughts of suicide, are you honey?" And then of course the answer was, "Mommy, come on...no no no...." And then I told her I loved her baby cheeks!
Sometimes I try to hide from it, by either not thinking about it or by not sharing about it, like trying to get away with not blogging it. But this is my life right now. I am in the last year of Motherhood before my daughter leaves this home. I cannot hide my life and it's happenings, even if my last two posts have been heavy, I can not hide. A lot of suicide of course is depression, it's the number one cause. But I spoke with a therapist today and she said, one of the major factors is, kids feel or think they don't have a purpose and they don't know what their gifts are so their future and their present feels bleak. They can't see themselves there, in the future. It's the best choice they have at the time. Believe it or not.
We have counselors from other schools that have come in to help and a crisis center set up.
I want my daughter to know that she has immeasurable purpose. She has purpose because God created her-- even if she laid on the couch all day everyday, because she's a child of God. She wouldn't be using her purpose wisely, but she'd still have one. I hope she continues to figure out her giftedness and oh she will.
Heck, I didn't even know what my specific purpose was until 5 years ago and it's still ever changing and maturing. And I didn't know what my gifts totally were until recently, and I'm 38. Life takes time to live out. People are seemingly always wanting to rush through it so they can reach their next goal, or check off something on their to-do list. We are an on "auto-pilot" society, and we are missing out on a lot because of it I believe. Life has a certain ebb and flow to it, and there is such a beauty there in all of it but I'm afraid we're missing out because of our fast, paced, ipod, news engulfed, self relying nation.
We are built to create things. We are built for community. We are built to share our stories. We are built to make games, play games and build fires. We are built to make music and listen to it. We are built to hug others daily. We are built to help others daily. We are built to use our senses more often, but naturally. We are built to lift one another up and slow down. We are built to bake and build, to sew and saw. To walk, and garden, to read and look up. We are built to write, and reflect, and pray and pray. We are built for one another and we are built to love God mightily. We are built to love one another mightily.
So as she faces the rest of this week, attending two more funerals, I will keep praying continually for her and her friends. For peace, comfort and for hope.Oh sweet hope.
God has had me use Facebook as a mission field with these kids--they have been reaching out to me left and right, they are emailing me and asking me for pretty pictures and bible verses. I was up til almost 3AM last night doing all I could to help them, and then I created this for them:
I am so thankful for my child, I have no words.
I thank you all for reading and for not giving up on me, I have no words.
I hope to get around to your blogs soon! Oh, and Happy Halloween!