Wednesday, October 31, 2012

2 Weeks Have Gone By

I can not believe it's been two weeks since I last spoke with all of you. I am so so sorry! I had a post in the works--a post on products, you know, things like mascara and lip gloss, that are of extreme importance? Ya, those things.

Well, I didn't finish it, but I will. But I didn't because I couldn't put a post about reviewing products (which I was only doing to lighten things up around here because of my last post, thank you all for your support btw), when there is something else going on. Something very very very sad and heavy.
I didn't want to share it because I don't want my readers to give up on me! But I had to let you know what was going on, because I've said it before and I'll say it again--I've always vowed to make this a space of meaningfulness. And that's what I'll do.

So, there is no easy way to say it, but there has been 3 suicides in my daughters High School in less than 1 week. There were 2 accidental deaths just weeks before that. And before that, another death. So one school, one small town of 18,000 has suffered the loss of 6 kids,  children, rather.
It's incomprehensible to me and, well, to everyone. This last one, the one that happened last night, was a friend of Madelynn's-- not in her friend group per say, but he was a theater kid, a show choir kid.

Madelynn stayed home from school today and it's days like today that I am so so ever so thankful that I am a "stay at home mom". Because I was with my child all day long. I had to run a few errands and she asked me if she could go with because she was scared. And the night before, when she had gotten home from a funeral of the other boy, she collapsed in my arms and just let me hold her. My child wanted to be held, something that is more rare as they get up in the teen years. I so embraced her and neither of us wanted to let go.

And then that night I made her look me in the eyes while I told her of my abundant, unending love for her. And that even though I tell her several times a day that I love her, that this time I needed her to see it in my eyes. I needed her to know that through and through, I am here. I needed her to know that I will be a Mom who,(as she well knows), until she leaves for College, constantly asking her questions the way I do. Which she wonders about sometimes, but most of the time appreciates them, and actually likes them. The questions have been going on for so long that she's quite taken to them now. So as I was looking her in the eye, I had to ask: "You are not having thoughts of suicide, are you honey?" And then of course the answer was, "Mommy, come no no...." And then I told her I loved her baby cheeks!

Sometimes I try to hide from it, by either not thinking about it or by not sharing about it, like trying to get away with not blogging it. But this is my life right now. I am in the last year of Motherhood before my daughter leaves this home. I cannot hide my life and it's happenings, even if my last two posts have been heavy, I can not hide. A lot of suicide of course is depression, it's the number one cause. But I spoke with a therapist today and she said, one of the major factors is, kids feel or think they don't have a purpose and they don't know what their gifts are so their future and their present feels bleak. They can't see themselves there, in the future. It's the best choice they have at the time. Believe it or not.

We have counselors from other schools that have come in to help and a crisis center set up.

I want my daughter to know that she has immeasurable purpose. She has purpose because God created her-- even if she laid on the couch all day everyday, because she's a child of God. She wouldn't be using her purpose wisely, but she'd still have one. I hope she continues to figure out her giftedness and oh she will.

Heck, I didn't even know what my specific purpose was until 5 years ago and it's still ever changing and maturing. And I didn't know what my gifts totally were until recently, and I'm 38. Life takes time to live out. People are seemingly always wanting to rush through it so they can reach their next goal, or check off something on their to-do list. We are an on "auto-pilot" society, and we are missing out on a lot because of it I believe. Life has a certain ebb and flow to it, and there is such a beauty there in all of it but I'm afraid we're missing out because of our fast, paced, ipod, news engulfed, self relying nation. 

We are built to create things. We are built for community. We are built to share our stories. We are built to make games, play games and build fires. We are built to make music and listen to it. We are built to hug others daily. We are built to help others daily. We are built to use our senses more often, but naturally. We are built to lift one another up and slow down. We are built to bake and build, to sew and saw. To walk, and garden, to read and look up. We are built to write, and reflect, and pray and pray. We are built for one another and we are built to love God mightily. We are built to love one another mightily.

Tonight we had a prayer walk. It was a beautiful thing to come alongside neighbors and strangers and to walk alongside my daughter and my mom and sister and husband. To pray against anymore evil. We have the power to do that ya know.

So as she faces the rest of this week, attending two more funerals, I will keep praying continually for her and her friends. For peace, comfort and for hope.Oh sweet hope.

God has had me use Facebook as a mission field with these kids--they have been reaching out to me left and right, they are emailing me and asking me for pretty pictures and bible verses. I was up til almost 3AM last night doing all I could to help them, and then I created this for them:

I'm so sorry for these families that have lost their kids. There are no words.

I am so thankful for my child, I have no words.

I thank you all for reading and for not giving up on me, I have no words.

I hope to get around to your blogs soon! Oh, and Happy Halloween!



Christine said...

oh my... so very very very sad. Truly heartbreaking :(. Praying for you all.

Krista said...

Oh Gina this is just so heart wrenching to hear. I'm so glad you have embraced love and reached out to these kids and your community, what a bright light you are for them in this darkness. My prayers are with you and Madelynn.

Erica said...

Oh goodness, this is just awful. I'm thinking of you and your community.

Amy said...

Gina, i wish i could just wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. Suiicide is so ugly and evil. Your duaghter is so blessed to have you as her mom, and her friends are blessed as well. Your words to them are important ones. Continue to listen to God's voice directing and leading you. Praying for you and your community.

Stephanie said...

I lost a close family member to suicide when I was a was completely devastating to our family, and just so very senseless for such an amazingly talented person to take his own life (he was 18). It's not something I talk about often, but I know all too well the pain your daughter is experiencing...I remember staying home with my mom after it happened. Being with Madelyn, and letting her stay home with you was more reassuring than you'll ever know, and talking to her and making sure she knows how important she is like you did will help her more than just right now. She will always remember your beautiful words and those moments you spent with her during this dark time. Thinking of you both this morning and during the days to come.

sarah {on the brightside...} said...

This world is so incredibly sad & there is loss everywhere we look, but your words are all about hope!! With God there is always hope! I am happy that you are spreading that message to your grieving community & to all of us!! It's a message we all need to hear everyday!! You are all in my prayers! :)

vintage grey said...

This breaks my heart and is so sad. My prayers are with the families! Thank you for doing what you are doing to help and comfort these sweet kids! Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers, too! Blessings, and Happy Halloween! ;) xo Heather

fiddlehead said...

Gina- I have been thinking so much about you and your sweet daughter. The pain before you and the community there. It is unimagineable and I am so sorry. Also, admire how you are able to be present as a mother to your daughter. you are a vessel of love and compassion and being available to the kids there is giving so much hope.
sending you love

Kelly Ann said...

Welcome back!

Sparkles and Shoes

christina said...

love your heart. keep sharing. praying for you!

Rebecca Palm* Gallimaufry Photography* said...

Gina, I cannot believe this has happened to your town. I am praying for you all. I am glad you are available to all these kids and I hope your town doesn't have to face any more tragedy and heartbreak.
I am so sorry.

Love to you!!

Barb said...

Gina - this is an incredibly sad situation. I'm so sorry. Your love and devotion to your daughter is so important and it's wonderful to hear that she is leaning on you. Sending prayers.

SymbioticLife said...

Gina, I've been watching on Facebook and I can't tell you how devastated I am for your entire community, for your daughter, for your whole family. It's crushing to think there are so many children anywhere in this world that feel badly enough to take these measures. I know it's the reality of things, but I'm still heart broken by it. I hope people are healing and that other children are finding the support they need. So glad that they have your light to help them through these awful times.

his little lady said...

I'm so very sorry my friend. Don't worry about blogging, take this time fo you. And remember that prayer really can heal all!
xo TJ

Elisha said...

HOW did I just now see this?? I'm so so sorry Gina. For everything that's happening to you! I love you, and I'm praying for you entire family and town!!
It's so good that you realize to treasure your time with your daughter.
xoxo friend!!

Desiree said...

i miss you so much... i hope you remmeber me.. Life got so busy, i just had no time to really blog... i plan to start blogging again hopefully soon about all the changes going on.

you're just as beautiful as ever, and my heart aches for you and all of the loss of recent.. Maddie (may i call her that?) has one of the best moms in the world.. :)

Liza said...

I'm so sorry that your family and your community are having to deal with this. You are an amazing woman for reaching out and helping these kids cope with this immense loss that they shouldn't have to know. You, your family and your town will be in my prayers!

Stephanie Hernandez said...

Hello! My name is Stephanie Hernandez, co-founder of Sponsor USA. We have tried to reach you several times via email but yet have heard an response from you. I and my other associates fancy your blog and think you would be a great fit for one of our sponsorships. Compensations ranges anywhere from $20 - $100 + commission + sample products for you to keep. If you are interested simply fill out the form 'here' and we will get back to you as soon as we can. Please remember to include your email as well as your blog URL. Thank you and we look forward to your response!

JD and Whitney Todd said...

Sweet Gina,

I actually read half of this post last week but the Internet cut out in our hotel room. My heart has been breaking for you, your daughter, all of her classmates and the parents. I cannot imagine the fear, confusion, doubt and heartache everyone is struggling with throughout this tragic time. Please know that our prayers are with you. More importantly, our Savior is carrying y'all every step of the way. You had the perfect response as a mother. Your daughter is beyond blessed to have you!!

Kelly said...

Oh Gina. I knew about the one friend but this. This is unbearable. I am so sorry. Give your girl a hug for me. I will keep your little town in my prayers.

Becky said...

Wow - my thoughts and prayers with you and your town. Amongst it all thanks for your inspiring message.

Autumn said...

My community went through a similar tragedy when I was a child. Although it was not suicides or accidental deaths, we had a shooting at my high school while a prayer group was going on.

It really impacted our community and how we interacted. It was so scary and at the same time...the situation brought so many people close to their families and God.

I hope situations get better for the families and your daughter can find some comfort too.

Jean said...

Gina -- it is so wonderful that you are able to be a stay-at-home mom. I adore families that can do that, be able to manage to have one parent home. I grew up like that, Brady, too! And we hope to continue that in our future. And you're so right, society is on "auto-pilot" and it really disgust me how little time people spend w/ their family now a days. Sometimes, I yearn to see my siblings even though it was just the other day. Family is so important... Your love as a mother is wonderful. And you are able to communicate w/ you daughter as some mothers & daughters (parent & child) cannot. That's great.

I am so sad to hear about the lost of the children. It's so heartbreaking. xo