Bits On Grace

We traveled to the Bay area of California for 6 days. It was just the 3 of us, it was an interesting, but great trip. Here's why. First of all, it was cold. And I am not much of a complainer but I am talkin, cooooold. And rainy. The thing is is when you have that combo and you are not prepared, it makes it ten times worse. I kept mentally and spiritually having to set my self straight and get an attitude adjustment, and I did for the most part. Although our first night in San Fran we decided to explore after we checked into our hotel. Turns out that wasn't the greatest idea. We walked around in the Mission District for over 2 hours and the last 30 minutes, b/c we couldn't find a cab (on our side of the street, go figure), to bring us to our restaurant, I cried. I honestly did. Although the tears might have been a good thing because they were warm on my wet, cold face.


It's times like this, in the unexpected and inconvenient, that I am reminded of my heart. And how it can go haywire if it's not aligned with God. Even in a cold, rainy, San Francisco night when I am in pain, exhausted, and uncomfortable in drenched Toms.

 So I recall Truths that bring me back to humility. Truths like, this is temporary pain, my best friend is extremely ill and she gives me inspiration to keep going, some people have never gone on vacation, there are some that would trade spots with me on this dreary night....truths like that. And I remember Gods grace is there through it all, through my spoiled brat moments, to love me just the same as if I would have been behaving nicely. His grace doesn't change. That's what's so profound about our God.

Here me and Madz are that very first night in San Fran in the Mission District, on Valencia. Man that area is amazing. It's like my Uptown area in Minneapolis pumped up about 50 notches. It's so rad. I loved it. Even in this bleak evening.

It was also an interesting trip because I noticed that my family is shifting. I've been noticing changes between my daughter and I for the last year or so, but they were prevalent on this trip.

We spent the first few days in the Bay area in Mountain View, San Jose, Palo Alto, and Sunnyvale. While Kevin was working at the Google offices, Madz and I explored. I noticed she didn't seem like she was in the best of moods or something, but I kept telling myself, "Just let her be. She's growing up and I don't have to take her moods personal."
But it got to the point where she was disrespectful so I spoke up. She apologized and we carried on. But I can't deny the tension had been thick. Combine that with mine and Kevin's history, (don't get me wrong, we can have a good time, and be on good terms, but emotionally and intimately we struggle), it was doomed for failure. We had a nice few days together, and had a wonderful unexpected experience though at Huddart's Park.
If you ever get to the Bay area I hugely recommend this park, it was such a sweet surprise!

When we drove through Woodside, this super cool old rich ranch town, looked like it was a movie set, and turned the corner for the park, I gasped as I saw my first Redwood! It made me cry. No lie. We then kept driving and were met by a deer. Although he scurried off too quickly so no picture of him. But what a sweet moment to be welcomed by a deer.

If you've never had the opportunity to be in the presence of a Redwood, I will pray that you do, because it's indescribable. So vast. So powerful. So big! Quite overwhelming and a bit spooky.

Because there was no one in the park, and it was raining, we got to interact so to speak with the Redwoods, and what a time we had!

There is no planning in these kind of moments. I will cherish it forever. 

Massive old mossy oaks!

We had a lot of good times, and I'm planning to do a post dedicated to our trip, but for today I wanted to focus on grace.

As I mentioned the tension was rising and I was feeling more defeated and unloved. It's common for me to feel that way with people, but not really with my daughter. So Saturday morning, our first morning in San Fran, is when it went down. I had been crying the night before because I was feeling so unloved and confused about my relationship with my daughter. Somehow it all got brought up and we weren't shouting really, but our voices were raised, and it was more of a plea from me to understand what was going on. My daughter put it gently that she is not me, and she is not like me. 

The reason she said that was because I was wondering why she didn't comfort me when I was crying or when we woke up the next morning, why she hadn't asked how I was feeling. Well, guess what Gina? Madelynn is not your friend, she isn't suppose to coddle me or comfort me in those ways. That is what friends and spouses and sisters are for! But see in a lot of ways I am use to my daughter doing that, because she was there during those rough years with Kevin and I, and she comforted me in ways she never should have had too. That's not her role. And I'm serious, there is a lot in me that still thinks she's a 10 year old girl, because the older she gets, the more our relationship changes, and it's hard on me. I am not changing, she is. And that's a good thing! It's just a hard transition. It's just different. To me, the Mom, she's my little girl, to her, she's almost an adult and is needing to learn how to leave the nest, and that causes friction and tension.


All she meant when she said what she did is that I can't expect her to respond the way I do to things, or act like me all the time. Because in a way, that is what our daughters do for a while, they sort of are our clones. Seriously, it's true. But I don't want that for her, I'm glad she is different than me, yet carries many of the same good qualities that I do! It's a weening process and it's not easy, but because we got it out in the open, we made progress and have a new understanding of the changes our relationship is facing.

So when we were having our last meal in San Francisco,  I asked Kevin and Madelynn what they thought of grace, they said this:

Kevin: "We have been the perfect example on this trip of how we all 3 need grace. This trip taught us new things about one another, and we wouldn't have gotten through it if we hadn't given each other grace."

Madelynn: "Living without grace would be like holding grudges against people our whole lives."


Gina: "God's capacity for mercy, grace and love becomes our capacity for mercy, grace and love."