Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Relationship Series: First Topic, Expectations

Goodness we are so excited and welcome you to our first post on the marriage series, hosted by myself, Courtney of Vintch, and Morgan of Mama Loves Papa! Our first topic will be Expectations, and of course you do not have to be married to hear a thing or two about that. There is so much to share, and I don't want my post to get to drawn out so I will keep it as brief as possible, I hope you will stick around and check it out and any other posts that have linked up.

November 2001/My Mom helping me get dressed on my Wedding day
 Ceremony


The lessons I've learned in marriage are countless. I have been married for over 10 years now, that is so crazy to think about! 
Something that has been vital to learn is that I am an Idealist apparently. I learned this about myself in counseling and I am so thankful I did. I am a recovering Co-dependent, {someday I'd like to blog about itbecause I feel everyone has a form of Codependency in their lives, but if you'd like to read a little about it, you can click here.

Being an Idealist, I really want and expect others to give what they "should" in relationships. There is a huge difference between being a perfectionist, which I am not, and being an Idealist. For me it comes naturally to do relationships well, and to be selfless. I was a single mom at the age of 20, so I had a bit of an advantage when it came to sacrificial love. And it was a hard lesson to learn that not everybody is the same way or had that advantage, especially my husband.
I grew up with so much pain. Emotional and mental, that when I got married I thought that would get all better. I was so wrong. I counted on my husband rescuing me, and that was a huge mistake.

I have put such high expectations on my husband because I have been so needy. Not only that but I also thought Marriage would look a certain way, and it has not. More on that when we do the Loving Through topic. I've sinced worked my way through of a lot of my neediness, and have realized that while it's healthy to hope for something, it's not good on the soul to expect it. In the book The Shack, {crazy good book} he talks about expectancy verses expectations. An expectation is envisioning or thinking about how we want the outcome of something to be, or thinking about how a person should behave or act. Expectancy is more free. It's an understanding that something ought to happen and be, but there is freedom in how the other person provides that. 
Learning to live in expectancy is extremely difficulty, but with my reliance on God, I am able to live it out pretty well. Yes, there is a common understanding of basic wants and needs that we all have as couples, but we can't make others love us the way we want. We can't make them do the things we wish they would. I mean a lot of the time others aren't even capable of it. What I mean by this is is that we are all on a different journey. We are each responsible for ourselves and the soul searching we do. Everyone is on a different level of that journey and at a different pace. Something I may possess, my husband might not and vise versa. I am able to love according to what I know, learn, and experience. And so is he.
It's like oncoming traffic while on the road. We are basically trusting that the other driver is going to stay on their side of the road and keep on track. That they are doing their part on the road and staying responsible by paying attention, doing what they need to do, and making an effort to stay attentive. We have to do the same with our spouses. We need to trust that they are doing their part of the marriage by working on themselves so they can love us well. We have to trust that they are doing what they need to do to grow so they are able to give us certain things we hope for that we are maybe not getting from them. And/or so they can learn to provide for us the way we'd like or hope.

We learn through time that there is a lot we can do without from our spouse, and it's freeing. It's a constant refining process, and I'm up for it. It's trying, it's a burden, but I'll gladly carry it so I can then hand it to the One that takes all my burdens. And I'll remember that God is the one who can give me all I need anyway. And I can gather what I don't get from my husband from others. I learned in therapy that our husbands can't give us all we want, need or expect, so we can go ahead and turn to our friends and family in that case. Everyone loves us differently, so the way one friend loves and gives is not the way another one will. How cool is that concept!?! Maybe you already realized that, but I hadn't! I put all my eggs in one basket when it came to marriage, and I ended up disappointed, hurt, sad and frustrated. I love that I don't rely on my husband so much; maybe that is a little off balanced and maybe one day that will change too. But for now, I like to think of it as a free, suspended in the air type of love and what I get from him is up to him, not for me to courose to try to get. 

Oh thank you for coming by today! You will have more than just today to write a post if you'd like, we would love to hear from you one way or another.




Marriage Series Button

Next week: COMMUNICATION!




35 comments:

Day-Dreamin' Optimist said...

Yay for a marriage series! It is too true Gina, things flow much easier knowing that the expectations of one another are let go. It's freeing.

I speak on behalf of many other young married ladies that we look forward to learning from your 10 years of experience. Thank you for sharing!

Morgan said...

Oh, my dear, we are SO much alike! I, too, experienced a lot of emotional pain and entered into marriage (at 20 years old) incredibly needy and expecting my husband to rescue me and make up for all of the hurt and pain I experienced. Obviously, that didn't happen, and I'm sure it's because 1) No one has that ability and 2) I believe that God doesn't want them to. If I was incredibly fulfilled in my marriage and Eric met every single emotional need, then I wouldn't have needed to pursue and cling to God in the way that I have. I wouldn't have needed (and still need) to be desperate for Him.

I also recently learned in therapy that I'm co-dependent and an idealist. ha! :)

chambanachik said...

Gosh, I love this. I am so much the same way.

And I still can't get over how gorgeous those photos are!

vintch said...

first things first, you are so pretty my sweet friend!
and also, this is one of my favorite posts of yours. i love your honesty and transparency. and that analogy about the other driver was so great and spot-on. we are at the mercy of others, and that can be so scary at times, especially in a relationship. but thankfully we are also at the mercy of the One who created the Heavens, who knows our every move and the number of hairs on our heads. thank you for this refreshing post, gina!

Cait Emma said...

what a beautiful beautiful post - honestly, this spoke volumes to me today...i've been going through some problems and i really appreciate your words xoxo

Liv Lundelius said...

Such a great post, I am looking forward to the other parts. I am not married but do believe in marriage and love to hear peoples thoughts about it.

Mel said...

Such I great post! I am looking forward to hearing more!

charla beth said...

oh, this is just fabulous. i'm not married yet, but i'm definitely taking these thoughts with me, my dear.

great way to start the series, gina:) i can't wait to read more!

Julie Marie said...

gina i loved this.. this really really explained me to a t.... i am the exact some way, an idealist. i always feel like "dont you get it?" --this is what you SHOULD be doing! i do!! i loved the idea of expectancy vs expectation... what a great post.. thank you

Julie Marie said...

i actually had to post that one to my fb wall =)

Sarah said...

This was so sweet and SO VERY TRUE! I'm glad you gals are doing this series =)

- Sarah
http://agirlintransit.blogspot.com

nickotasgirl said...

So timely and SO enlightening! Thank you!!!

Emily Rose said...

You looked so beautiful! This is a great series.:)

PS. There's a tag for you at my blog!

http://mistoftheblossomrain.blogspot.com/2012/02/tag.html

Erin @ Currently Coveting said...

Wow you looked stunning. Congrats on 10 years of marriage that is quite a prestigious title this day in age!

XO,
Erin
http://erinscurrentlycoveting.blogspot.com/

Nicole said...

You look beautiful! Not married yet but I will remember your words.

Mr. Taylor and his Lady said...

what a great post. and such an open experience. thank you for sharing. i think we all go in with expectations of what we think we should have in a marriage.
congrats on 10+ years :)
xo TJ

sarah {on the brightside...} said...

I am not married, so sometimes it's hard to relate to a lot of bloggers out there... because most are married. But I still loved reading your insight on this & many of the things you said can also apply to different kinds of relationships.

african girl said...

Thank you Gina for sharing this one. It's really a great help to those newly wed individuals.

As of now I can't relate because I'm not yet married but soon I'm sure I will. I will surely bare in mind all you've mention in your post.

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