Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Write It Out

Since I've been home from Greece, which is two days now, I have been having the blues. They, whoever they are, say it's typical to feel the blues after returning from a long trip--especially a place as captivating as Greece.

The alleyway/streets of Santorini

I think there is truth to this. But if I'm honest, I know it goes deeper than that. 
I have lived my whole life, up until about 3 years ago, on feelings. I moved, breathed, lived, swayed and counted on feelings.
Do you remember that song from the 70's that went like this--"Feelings, nothing more than feelings...."
There is complete and utter truth to that. I could write pages and pages on feelings and how I am--and we all are affected daily, sometimes traumatized by feelings.
I have read and learned so much about feelings, and have discovered that that is all they are, nothing more than feelings. They 99% of the time are not reality or what is REAL or TRUE.
My eyes are open, but the sun was bright that day.

Most of us go through life letting our feelings run rampant and not having any awareness that they are not what is true. Our feelings do serve a good purpose, and they help us resolve something deeper that is going on with us.
I have always been open on this blog and don't intend to change that. I put my heart out there, I am vulnerable, I am real. I can't change that honestly. God has had me writing and soul searching since the 4th grade. And I haven't stopped since. 
I have been crying for two days now, and I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I think it's more than the traveling blues. I have had plenty of reasons why I might be sad and crying floating around in my head non-stop for days, but just couldn't move mentally to deal with them. 
So today I made myself go for a walk, and after reaching up to ask God for insight and help, I heard God telling me, "write it out".


Writing has been the one thing that I have always been able to do that has not been taken away from me. No matter where I am or what my situation is, I can always write. It might not be creative. It might not be grammatically correct, but it's what's inside me that needs to be sifted through and it comes out best when I write. 
So I did what I heard. I wrote it out. And I'll take a chance, a risk actually, and share.
Here is how I got to the root of what I was feeling and what the feelings were representing, they always represent something.
-I have no purpose
-no one wants to hear from me via blog/phone/email
-my blog isn't good enough I should quit blogging asap
-no one cares about what I have to say
-I don't have anything to offer in life
-Confusion and frustration about the future
-my life is meaningless
-I don't do enough for others
-lonely
-I'm not a good writer
-I have no good skills

I've talked a little about abuse, but not in detail, and I'm not ready for that yet, but one thing to know and remember about it, is that it robs you. It takes a lot from you. And daily I need to remember that I am not under the umbrella of my abusers anymore, I am under the umbrella of God's love for me, and who He made me to be. I am His and HE IS MINE. I am not defined by any abuse, I am not defined by any job I have, or the house I live in or the country I am in. I am not defined by how good I write, how good I take photos, or if I can sew. I am not defined by where I shop or what I wear or the material things I attain. 
If I was stripped of all these things, even if I lost my family, or my dog, I would have enough and be enough.
Because God is bigger than my feelings, and He is bigger than what will happen in my life and what is happening in my life. I am ok because I am the beloved of God. That fixes all my feelings. My feelings are just there to let me know something else is going on with me, and that something rooted deep within me is going on, and I know it stems from abuse. I know it comes from years of being told I am no good and that I am garbage. I know it comes from being treated like trash. I know it comes from not having a sense of self worth and in essence not ever feeling loved or wanted.
For that is the root of it all for me. So I can have these days of crying, and I think that is good. Because it can gear me in the direction of searching. I can embark on a journey of what those feelings are trying to teach me and tell me. They serve a purpose, but just for a time. And it's my job to put them in their place and find out why they are there and how to work through them so I can come to a place of renewal. 

I know we all struggle with different feelings, but some of us don't take the time to find out why they are there and how they can actually help us. But we need to put them in their place.
They can't own us, or be our truth. They can't and do not define us.
really true. It's how I'm feeling right now and it's what I might believe right now, but realistically, knowing who I am in God, it's just simply not true. And even if a few things on the list were true, I'd learn to still be ok.
Anyone can write it out, you don't have to be a writer per say to do this. It's so therapeutic, and can be so beneficial in helping sort out all your overwhelming feelings. Find out what is at the root of your feelings. 

But remember they are feelings, nothing more than feelings. . . 

"Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings."
Psalm 17:8





15 comments:

Natalie said...

Wow. I needed to read these encouraging words today. And don't stop blogging!!! I LOVE your blog! =) Glad your trip to Greece was a success... and maybe you'll share some more pictures in later posts??? ;)

Jeenee said...

You are very inspiring! I can relate a lot to you about having the blues and crying for no apparent reason. I love to write about my thoughts and feelings too. Thank you for sharing this wonderful post. <3

stephanie said...

how lovely is your blog? my first time here! and i can't imagine how hard it would be to leave greece! i've been to italy twice and both times i just wanted to sit around and be depressed for a week when we came home! ha! xo

chambanachik said...

I find myself doing this so often. It's a compulsion!

Halina said...

I really have to say a huge thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings publicly. I know it probably took a lot of your courage! I also wanted to say, that if you feel the way you do you DEFINITELY will have a lot to write about, even if the first words you scribble down doesn't always feel interesting. Have you read "Wild Mind" by Natalie Golberg? I really, really recommend it in your situation to get your feelings out on paper and out in the world... Can't wait to see how journey will evolve!

Anonymous said...

I just want to add to your eloquent thoughts:
it's important for us to not *discount* our feelings. I think too many of us think they "don't count," and they do... we just have to learn to work through them.
xx
-ann

Erin said...

You are an amazing writer friend..don't ever forget that! :) Write to make you happy...not to please others! Amazing ending verse by the way!!

Kylie said...

I think you're a wonderful writer. I'm so sorry you're feeling down, I really hope you feel better soon. I have those days too.

I know we just "met" but I want you to know I'll be thinking of you!

Autumn said...

I am still grieving over abuse from my siblings. I have days like this too and car rides home where I put my shades on so I can cry a little bit when I am driving by myself.

You're not the only one who's been there, but thankfully you're also not the only one who realizes God really can heal us.

lowercase letters said...

wow. i'm speechless. your words take my breath away. i feel like going and writing right NOW. also, none of those things on that list are true. you are a wonderful writer and i can't wait to hear what you have to say on your lovely blog in the future. :)
thank you so much for being my 100th follower! you might a smile on my face this morning. :)
hugs!

Jennifer said...

Wow, this is so beautiful! It is so good just to get it all out and lay it before God. He alone can heal those things in us. It takes time, but He heals. Thank you for being real. It is a very beautiful thing!

lucia m said...

YOUR BLAZAER IS GORGEOUS! SO ARE YOU :)

NEW FOLLOWER

www.aroundlucia.com
www.aroundlucia.com

Jana Miller said...

I'm reading a book that you might really like. Your post reminded me of a lot of what they said in the book. It's called, How We Love by Kay and Milan yerkovich. It's filled in so many missing pieces for me. Love your honesty and really, blogging is for you more than it's for us.

Kristen said...

wow. what a moving post. you are a wonderful write. keep your head up.
kristen
mikie and kristen

Karly said...

This is great, writing it out is truly amazing sometimes. When I was younger I would write all the time, and it was usually in the form of poetry. Sometimes I miss writing like that, but I know that I wrote my poetry out of depression and desperation and I'm just not in the same...place or mindset anymore, so I just can't seem to access that path any longer.

But, maybe it's time I tried again, because it really was freeing to be able to get things out in a way I understood better than anyone else.