Write It Out
Since I've been home from Greece, which is two days now, I have been having the blues. They, whoever they are, say it's typical to feel the blues after returning from a long trip--especially a place as captivating as Greece.
The alleyway/streets of Santorini
I think there is truth to this. But if I'm honest, I know it goes deeper than that.
I have lived my whole life, up until about 3 years ago, on feelings. I moved, breathed, lived, swayed and counted on feelings.
Do you remember that song from the 70's that went like this--"Feelings, nothing more than feelings...."
There is complete and utter truth to that. I could write pages and pages on feelings and how I am--and we all are affected daily, sometimes traumatized by feelings.
I have read and learned so much about feelings, and have discovered that that is all they are, nothing more than feelings. They 99% of the time are not reality or what is REAL or TRUE.
My eyes are open, but the sun was bright that day.
Most of us go through life letting our feelings run rampant and not having any awareness that they are not what is true. Our feelings do serve a good purpose, and they help us resolve something deeper that is going on with us.
I have always been open on this blog and don't intend to change that. I put my heart out there, I am vulnerable, I am real. I can't change that honestly. God has had me writing and soul searching since the 4th grade. And I haven't stopped since.
I have been crying for two days now, and I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I think it's more than the traveling blues. I have had plenty of reasons why I might be sad and crying floating around in my head non-stop for days, but just couldn't move mentally to deal with them.
So today I made myself go for a walk, and after reaching up to ask God for insight and help, I heard God telling me, "write it out".
Writing has been the one thing that I have always been able to do that has not been taken away from me. No matter where I am or what my situation is, I can always write. It might not be creative. It might not be grammatically correct, but it's what's inside me that needs to be sifted through and it comes out best when I write.
So I did what I heard. I wrote it out. And I'll take a chance, a risk actually, and share.
Here is how I got to the root of what I was feeling and what the feelings were representing, they always represent something.
-I have no purpose
-no one wants to hear from me via blog/phone/email
-my blog isn't good enough I should quit blogging asap
-no one cares about what I have to say
-I don't have anything to offer in life
-Confusion and frustration about the future
-my life is meaningless
-I don't do enough for others
-lonely
-I'm not a good writer
-I have no good skills
I've talked a little about abuse, but not in detail, and I'm not ready for that yet, but one thing to know and remember about it, is that it robs you. It takes a lot from you. And daily I need to remember that I am not under the umbrella of my abusers anymore, I am under the umbrella of God's love for me, and who He made me to be. I am His and HE IS MINE. I am not defined by any abuse, I am not defined by any job I have, or the house I live in or the country I am in. I am not defined by how good I write, how good I take photos, or if I can sew. I am not defined by where I shop or what I wear or the material things I attain.
If I was stripped of all these things, even if I lost my family, or my dog, I would have enough and be enough.
Because God is bigger than my feelings, and He is bigger than what will happen in my life and what is happening in my life. I am ok because I am the beloved of God. That fixes all my feelings. My feelings are just there to let me know something else is going on with me, and that something rooted deep within me is going on, and I know it stems from abuse. I know it comes from years of being told I am no good and that I am garbage. I know it comes from being treated like trash. I know it comes from not having a sense of self worth and in essence not ever feeling loved or wanted.
For that is the root of it all for me. So I can have these days of crying, and I think that is good. Because it can gear me in the direction of searching. I can embark on a journey of what those feelings are trying to teach me and tell me. They serve a purpose, but just for a time. And it's my job to put them in their place and find out why they are there and how to work through them so I can come to a place of renewal.
I know we all struggle with different feelings, but some of us don't take the time to find out why they are there and how they can actually help us. But we need to put them in their place.
They can't own us, or be our truth. They can't and do not define us.
really true. It's how I'm feeling right now and it's what I might believe right now, but realistically, knowing who I am in God, it's just simply not true. And even if a few things on the list were true, I'd learn to still be ok.
Anyone can write it out, you don't have to be a writer per say to do this. It's so therapeutic, and can be so beneficial in helping sort out all your overwhelming feelings. Find out what is at the root of your feelings.
Anyone can write it out, you don't have to be a writer per say to do this. It's so therapeutic, and can be so beneficial in helping sort out all your overwhelming feelings. Find out what is at the root of your feelings.
But remember they are feelings, nothing more than feelings. . .
"Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings."
Psalm 17:8
Comments
it's important for us to not *discount* our feelings. I think too many of us think they "don't count," and they do... we just have to learn to work through them.
xx
-ann
I know we just "met" but I want you to know I'll be thinking of you!
You're not the only one who's been there, but thankfully you're also not the only one who realizes God really can heal us.
thank you so much for being my 100th follower! you might a smile on my face this morning. :)
hugs!
NEW FOLLOWER
www.aroundlucia.com
www.aroundlucia.com
kristen
mikie and kristen
But, maybe it's time I tried again, because it really was freeing to be able to get things out in a way I understood better than anyone else.