Twenty

a child at twenty

i've been through plenty

life is no longer for me

it is for her,

can i do this?

i'm not sure

trips, boys, parties, danger

i've missed out

i'll never know what that's all about

i want to be just me

i want to be free

i want a chance

i feel mine is gone

i want a dream

i feel mine is lost

i want hopes

i feel i have no hope

i want myself

where am i?

written by gina l masterjohn/1995

Madelynn Violet 

I still am head over heels in love with this picture! I didn't like pink and all things girly when she was little, now I am super girly and adore Pink! Her closet was filled with tans, black, greys and red.

January 15, 1995

i wrote this poem when i was 20 years old, and in the thick of confusion,

emotional pain,

and feelings of being totally lost.

Her and I at the Minnesota Zoo/September 1995(look at that face)!

 i loved my baby girl just like anyone else does when you first

see your child, nothing compares to the feeling, and there are

no words in the english dictionary to describe how much we love

our children.

but i think my life was flashing before me in this time;

i mean i look at this poem today, and i don't really feel

any of what i wrote then....

 Cutie at 3

i haven't missed out--maybe in a traditional sense, but honestly

i've gained so much! i learned how to maneuver single motherhood

unexpectedly and survive by myself juggling things that

should "normally" be dispersed between 2 people.

i have discovered that my dreams aren't the way i thought

they'd look--"WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED AND WHAT

I GOT INSTEAD LEAVES ME BROKEN AND GRATEFUL"--

a lyric in a Sara Groves song I CLING to.

but i've discovered new dreams, new freedoms. i've realized that life

is found in God, and loving him and his people. i have found that

my dreams were pretty self-centered anyway--i  have now become a wife, and i put all of me into that too.
i found that i was able to

put all that energy from my twenties and thirties (still thirties cough cough), into raising up

an incredible toddler, adolescent, and now woman-instead of

partying, or going to college--and I'm at peace with that. i'm ok with the fact
that my experiences were different than i thought they would be. i have gained character, and have learned to persevere. what is better than endurance, and wisdom?

At my Wedding, she was my Maid of Honor/November 2001

i look back at this poem and i see such a immature child. not in a

bad way--i've just come so far, it has been quite the journey for me,

but i made the best of a situation that i didn't plan, and today?

i couldn't be more thankful or grateful for my girl. i thank GOD

for this child every single day, every time i look at her actually.

she's my miracle. she is my dream. she is my life's work.

unexpectedly yes, but wholeheartedly i embrace and  consider

it an honor to raise her.

i love motherhood more today than i did when i first

laid eyes on her. aren't our hearts incredible? that

we can love MORE?

how great is our God.

 She has a great laugh!

So how does this happen? 16 whole years! Photos amazingly taken by the gifted AJ Doetkott @http://www.roguephotography.com

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11