Dear Nells,

Dear Nells,

You've been gone a month and four days now. Say it isn't so. It feels like it's been a couple of weeks.  All my energy goes into missing you. I'm not crying every hour or two anymore and I can get out of bed now. I'm also back to work; I took two weeks off. I'm finally starting to smile and laugh here and there again too. It hurts so so bad living without you. I have felt like I don't know who I am without you. Who would have thought that when I met you fourteen and a half years ago that it would be possible for your little being to steal my heart. You know as well as I do that when you first walked into the den at our house on Minnehaha Avenue with sissy holding you, I was very unsure of you. I had never had a dog before and I was not expecting one then. You looked like a drowned rat and in retrospect, I'm sorry that's the first thing that came out of my mouth when I first saw you. But you were quite raggedy. Turns out you just needed a good bath. 

Your existence only took a matter of minutes to sway me. You weren't my idea you were daddy's. Getting you for me was his way of apologizing for something. It was you or a bunny, and I'd much rather have you! No offense to bunnies! I was smitten the moment I took you from your sissy's arms. And then of course went right to the kitchen sink to give you a good bath! After that, we named you Nells, based off of our favorite character Nels Olson on the TV show 'Little House On The Prairie'. Turns out Nells is spelled with one L, oh well.   

Nice and clean! Much better.

You came to us right in the middle of many family struggles. We were a new blended family, and in our marriage, we were having infertility. I so desperately wanted to have more children, but having you in the mix truly helped. You brought so much joy to our family and we loved playing for hours with you while we videotaped your every move in your designated play area: the 1912 farmhouse kitchen in our first house. Early on I could tell that you were peculiar and somewhat odd, but that made me love you more! I hope you loved the down to earth training or lack of training I gave you instead of being pretentious and perfect. I loved that about you and I loved that about us together. We certainly made our way the way we wanted to. We were full of shenanigans. From trying on clothes in the pet stores without buying them, to actually playing with stuffed animals and then putting them back on the shelves when we were done. Oops. I miss you so much. And by the way, I'm sleeping with your lion. He's helping me heal. 

This was just a few days after you passed away. 

I cried so much my head felt like it was going to explode. 

I look a little better now.

We were such trouble makers. Here you are in the tutu that we never bought.

Thank you for being a part of everything in our lives without having a choice in the matter LOL. I bet you loved it when I had all those abdominal surgeries and you got to lay on the couch with me 24/7 for three years didn't you? Good excuse for you to be a couch potato which is probably every dog's dream. You also went through some years of yelling between daddy and I and for that, I'm forever sorry. I know it gave you some fear and insecurities, but you're the best for still trusting us. I'm so thankful those years are long gone. Just as you brought so much joy collectively to our lives, you bridged a gap during those tough years in our marriage by simply being you. When sissy left for college, I don't know what I would have done had you not been there. I felt so lost without her, but I had you. You were such a comfort. Thank you for making me laugh sweetie, and for the extra cuddles during that time. You really were my second child. 

I could simply look at you and feel better.  

You were my guy.

You also championed through a huge move across country, and adapted very well to California! As much as you enjoyed the snow back home, you loved the sun. More sunbathing for you! Once again there you were. In the middle of my transition that was extremely hard on me. When I was homesick, you had my back. You can thank me for your love for the ocean by the way! You were an adventurer before we moved to California but Cali definitely made you into even more of one, especially when it came to the coastline. You truly seemed like you wanted to be one with the sea. That's so cool. 

Your first time meeting the pacific.

I'm super thankful you had a full, adventurous, spiritual, fun, exciting, chill, interesting happy life. I know you had your own challenges. You were such a champ!  I especially loved taking you everywhere! I bet you miss car rides, they were your fave. People got to know you and they adored you, sweetheart, they truly did. They honored you so much as after you passed away. They all asked me where you were when I didn't show up with you at certain places. Especially Blue Bottle Coffee and Project Juice. The employees and managers gave me free coffee and food for a couple of weeks. You made an impact wherever you went. Even on social media! Giving you your own hashtag was one of the most brilliant things I've ever done if I do say so myself. I so appreciate having that hashtag now. You were super photogenic.

I'm especially thankful for the last couple of years in your geriatric stage. You are such a champ navigating through Kidney Disease and Heart Disease. You went on a trip to Sea Ranch, countless drives up the coastline, vacationing with us during a global pandemic, and swimming in the Russian River this summer. All so much fun. You were a trooper. You were always down to do whatever. You were the best.  

See! Super photogenic! So pretty!

Here you are in the Russian River this summer! 

You had so much fun. Seeing you happy made me happy.

There is so much about you and your presence I miss. I miss singing to you all day long. I miss your nicknames. I miss your cuddles. I miss your smelly breath. I miss how you extended one leg out further than the other one while you ate for balance the last few months. I miss coming home to you eager to greet me. I actually miss you barking while we ate. I miss your mysterious look when you'd stand and stare at me from the kitchen. I miss your stinky gas. I miss your curls. I miss dressing you in clothes. I miss our walks. I miss carrying you back from our walks the last few months when you'd get weak. I miss how nosy you were. I miss sleeping with you so badly it hurts. I miss feeding you, taking you out potty, and every detail about you. I even miss your cool wet nose. I miss it all. I miss YOU! 

I wondered recently if I told you enough before you passed away that I loved you? That you were wonderful. That I thank you for being my dog. That I'll miss you. That I'm sorry you had to go. Did I? I wonder. I really hope I did. Did I?

It's embarrassing to admit but for the last several weeks I've been watching videos of you and looking at pictures a lot. And I mean A LOT. I've also been watching Youtube videos of bichon-poo puppies. Apparently, people have a breed they like. You are it for me! Watching and looking at all of this stuff helps me a lot but it's also painful to talk about you because your memory isn't super vivid and that makes me sad. I don't fully understand why that is but it must be part of the grief process. I remember going through that when Amy died. Almost like I couldn't remember her. It's absolutely heartbreaking that you had to go. I even filled up your water bowl, call me crazy.

I haven't had the gumption to move your bed, your toys, your medicines, and of course your food and water bowl. By the way, Maple next door took your food! I set it out on the boulevard and her mom later told me she took it. That made me happy but I'm not sure how you'd feel about that. What do you think about giving your dog bed away? Too soon? Glad you enjoyed that thing the last year of your life! That was a good purchase. Your bed now serves as a memorial.

Speaking of memorial. We did hold a memorial service for you and you would have loved the cake sissy brought! I held the memorial less than a week after you died and it might have been too soon. I was not doing well. But we had a few close friends, we read some liturgy and played the song 'Halo' by Beyonce'. That song reminds me of you because it was playing on the radio on my way home to get to you when I knew you were not doing well. We also toasted to pink bubbly and shared our favorite memories of you. The memories are endless. That's a good thing. I want you to know that you were cremated. My brain is so literal I thought that would be the last thing I would want. But it turns out that it's more complicated to keep your body and cremating you was the wisest choice. I just picked up your ashes last night and can't begin to process that supposedly they are you. Oh sweetheart!

These are the photos of us saying goodbye in the apartment before we brought you to the vet. I got ONE HOUR with you, that's it. The most crushing and love-filled hour of my life practically. I never knew an animal could impact me this way until I met you. I hope you felt my love in that hour!

I could go on and on about your life but I wanted to tell you about the night you passed away. It was all together heart wrenching and beautiful to hold your head in my hands as you were dying. How could this be? I saw something in your eye and knew it was time to give the green light to the doctor. I knew the inevitable was going to happen but I was trying to put it off as long as possible. The doctor was gracious to give us all the time we needed to get to the point where we could give the green light. How do you give a green light for something like that? I don't know, but you just do. I just did. I saw a peaceful twinkle, an "it is time" look from you and I had to make the worst call of my life, I had to give the green light. You trusted us to take you through this experience called death. Or as they say, "the rainbow bridge." You trusted us to see you through. You trusted us to love you through it. You most certainly trusted us with your one precious life. What a gift. Thank you for your trust.

I hope you know you had a wonderful passing. I think you could tell. I hope you're not mad at me for it. I wondered if you knew what was happening. Maybe it doesn't matter if you knew. What is most important is that you knew you were safe and loved, right? When you let go and your head became heavy in my hands it was confusing and shocking. The doctor said it, "Nells has passed, Nells has passed......" What? I said. I couldn't see through the tears, my face was soaking wet. I just stood there and stared at Dr. Peng. 

I am so sorry your life had to end. I still cannot believe you had to go.  I'm learning to believe that you are still here. But that is a process. I want you here here. Like actually here.

I truly believe each relationship is what you make it so the fact that you were a dog didn't matter as far as my love for you. Some might not understand it but losing a living thing regardless of what "it" is is still loss. Significant loss. Remember when Amy died? I was told by my grief counselor that the significance of a loss is marked by three things: length, depth, and affection. No wonder losing her was so massive and painful. No wonder losing you is so massive and painful. A bond is a bond is a bond.

I do have to tell you something though. For the last couple of days, I've been looking at puppies for sale. I know, I'm sorry. But you know how much love I have to give and I have to get it out of my system! I drove you crazy at times admit it! There was one puppy for sale, his name was Nutmeg. His face was so you, but he was sold already which is probably a good thing. Because if I could clone you I would, I know that's weird, but I want you! Anyway, I thought, well, it's not meant to be and it's too soon. I'm still grieving I'll just have to wait for the right time I thought. It's just so quiet in this apartment. The next morning something strong inside of me pulled me to those pups and I made a list of all the possible available bichon-poo puppies and their breeder's names and phone numbers. I went through my list of about ten options and after all was said and done, there was one puppy that seemed awkward but yet a good fit, and all the logistics fell into place as well. So long story short, we bought a puppy!!! He is like you, a bichon-poo but we purposely didn't get apricot color because again, I can't recreate you or clone you, so we got a cream color. His name is Benson and he is 9 weeks old. We are trying to rename him but no name beats Nells in my book so who knows what he will be called. It feels like I'm betraying you but Grammy assures me I'm not. 

Speaking of Grammy, she misses you like crazy, and she too has been looking at videos of you that I sent her. You not only turned me into a dog lover you turned her into one. She told me recently that she loved you. All of our family and friends love and miss you. Papa, Jan, Larry, Kay, Auntie Lisa, Uncle Nick, Amy, Rose, Angie, Charlotte, Lindsey, Yana, our neighborhood, especially Matthew, everyone that knew you and knew of you... and of course sissy, for sure she is in shreds like me. We received many good things after you passed. We got tasty food deliveries and flower deliveries. The flowers would have been meh to you but the food would have been a score. The love from family and friends was extremely wonderful after you passed away. The visits, the texts, a special poem, cards, gifts, the macro polos, the emails, the social media messages, and the phone calls. Their support carried me. 

So are you mad??? Do you think it's too soon to get another dog?? Do you think I don't love you because I got a new puppy?? These are normal human questions that I know dogs don't bother themselves with but that I wish I knew the answers to. 

Benson arrives in six days. He's flying into SFO. He's from Ohio! He will not be you but he will be him. I'll try. I just can't imagine not measuring him up to you. You were the best, the absolute best in so many ways. Your spirit will live on. It is living on. As a matter of fact, when we were at the beach for a few days for our anniversary this week, I was sitting on the balcony thinking about you and I got up to go refill my coffee, and when I returned there was bird shit right on the arm of my chair! Was that you??? Seems like something you'd do. I also saw and felt you a lot that week on the beach. Thanks for that. I did a google search after you died, "What signs will I see if my dog is with me in spirit"? Some answers were believable some not so much. Like one was that I might see a feather here and there. And the next morning there was a feather in my coffee grinder! They also said I might feel warm spots on blankets or the sofa. Mmm not so sure about that one. But we get to choose what we believe so I choose to believe you're here with me. 

I asked God on the beach what He wanted me to know for sure and I heard, "That Nells is with you...."

Thank you for your incomparable, incredible, immeasurable life that you lived. I'm grateful daddy and sissy saw you at Har Mar Mall in the pet store. I was hesitant to love something strange at first but look at the floodgates that opened as I embraced you. 

When I experience loss I'm reminded of C.S. Lewis' wise words. I don't remember the exact quote but he basically reminds us that yes, love is a risk because it involves pain and heartache. But if we don't choose to love, we will never experience the joy that comes from it. So in life, there is both joy and sorrow. Life is full of "both and's"...

I can grieve you and learn to love a new puppy.

Thank you for letting me be all that I was to you. Now I have to do the same for a new dog, but that's only because I first loved you. You are my soulmate Nells, my forever one and only.