Tied Up In a Perfect Bow

"Dying just happens. Life just happens. Just like the writers and controllers of the early formation of Christianity, who spun why Jesus died --“He had to for the forgiveness of sins, the sacrificial lamb, etc.”-- I, too, spun a Christian story and meaning into everything that happened in my life. All tied up in a perfect bow. But the fact remains that they killed Jesus because he was a religious radical—an incredible leader, teacher, and being who threatened their agenda." Gina Norman

It dawned on me this week that I'm not writing about Good Friday or Easter this year. I used to either give sermons on Good Friday or at least have a perfect way to showcase what Easter weekend meant, but not this year. And this reminded me of what someone very dear to me recently said, 

"Gina, you used to be such a beautiful Christian writer; the way you wrote about Jesus would bring me to tears." 

Something along those lines, anyway. My heart sank. Deep. And this isn't the first time I've heard variations of this same sentiment. I've had others unfriend me on Facebook, telling me I was once a picture-perfect Christian woman of faith and a mentor to them. My heart sank again, learning of this.

I felt responsible for how these women felt, so I'd have thoughts like, "I am crushed that I've disappointed all these women, what must they think of me?" "If I'm not a woman of faith, then where does that leave me?" 

The reality is that I haven't been able to write "as well" since I left Christianity. Coming from a Christian perspective, it was hella easy to let the words flow. Even though the subjects I'd write about would be vastly different, they'd all have a similar ending, tied up in a perfect, meaningful Christian bow. Done and done!

Well, that is not how I write anymore. I don't believe in a lot of what I used to believe in, and now I'm in a place where there isn't a "firm foundation," and I don't have an answer for every good thing or every bad thing that happens. But I used to! Like I said, the topics I wrote about varied, but the endings all had a pretty bow tied on them. The endings were very similar. The endings were simple. They weren't messy. The subject might be messy, but if you're a Christian writer or reader, you know, the ending is tied up perfectly. Because.....Jesus.......

For instance, if I were sick, I'd look for the meaning in it as to why God would have me be sick. And when I got better, it was all glory to God. If I were flying, and I'm a nervous flyer, and I'd get to my destination safely, I would praise God. If my nerves calmed mid-flight, I would also praise God. On deeper subjects, when my best friend died over ten years ago, I made a lot of meaning out of why her death happened, when it happened, and that it was all constructed and went down the way it did because, no other than.....God. God orchestrated her death for a very good reason. It must be because of ___________________fill in the blank. And then I'd feel better. Or when my daughter stayed living out in California after I moved back to Minnesota a few years ago. I made myself feel better by saying it was because we needed to learn to live a part because we never had, and that God wanted that for us. Now, looking back, that idea makes me sick. I would just "apply God's truth" to everything. But I  had a lot of my own thoughts, emotions, and ideas about these hard things! Working out these hard truths for ourselves is important because we need to feel and wrestle with them, and come up with our own soothing. We need to find our own way out of the pain without trying to concoct a story about it through the lens of Jesus. I believe we miss out on a lot of genuine thoughts and feelings, bypassing the most important parts of ourselves by doing that.

Another example, more recent,  is when my Dad passed away a year ago. Had I been a Christian then, I would have made all the timing, the way his death went down, why it happened, and how it happened all about God, just like my best friend's death. Here is how it would shake out for me: 

• I should go to my Dad's and spend time with him until he passes because that is love, that is the kind of love that comes from the cross
• I'm sure my Dad dying over ten days was because God wanted us to have this time with him
• I know we kids and our step-mom were all there when he took his last breath because God wanted us to be with him. God wouldn't have wanted my dad to pass without all of us
• God gave me the strength to show up day after day after day for my Dad
• There is meaning in my Dad's death. I know he's in a better place
• I can trust God that this all happened the way it did for my good, praise Him

But now, I don't believe any of that. I did not wrap up my Dad's death in the perfect bow. There was no perfect meaning. There was no perfect timing or plan. It just was. He died. And there is a lot of love and meaning in the grief, but wrapping it all up in a perfect bow no more is what works for me. It's what makes sense to me. This old way of thinking leaves Gina's strength, courage, wisdom, discernment, and love out of the equation, and that's not right. I don't accept that anymore. I'm learning that I don't have to make meaning out of every little thing so that I feel better. I don't have to make sense out of my Dad's death because there is no sense to be had. He just died. He had Lewy Body Dementia and Ahlzimer's. He was sick, and he died. No mystery, no magic, no miracle, no proposed meaning.

So while I'm not here to talk about the death of Jesus on the cross this year, I'm here to say I don't really know anymore. I don't have faith in the Christian belief any longer, but I have faith in so much more! I  have faith in myself, in others, in nature, in goodness and love. I have faith that we can all heal and recover from trauma and be our most authentic selves. I have faith in mourning and celebrations because they are all part of life. I have faith in our furry friends all around us. I have faith in acts of resistance, living in Minneapolis. I have faith that we can overcome our fears with some intentional work. I also have faith that my life is more than ok and that I am safe. I have faith that I am not broken and that there is nothing wrong with me. I may not have a new "firm foundation" in another being outside of myself, but I have myself. And I've shown up, done the hard, hearty work of recovering my life from emotional and physical pain. I have faith in being present, intentional, attuned, and connected to life around me and myself. That has been me, my work.

Life was easier when I could tie up any story with a perfect Christian bow, but I can no longer do that. I refuse to bypass any genuine thought and emotion that comes with hard times. Because I know one of the reasons Christianity was so appealing to me is that I could easily make sense out of why hard things happened! Life is hard!!! But learning to trust that my experiences aren't in God's plan is an act of faith itself. And it's difficult because talking about not being a Christian anymore is vulnerable. There is a level of rebellion that I feel. The subject is taboo. But being authentic is my number one value, so I needed to share. 

Sometimes there is no sense making, no bow, life just is.

I hope that I can find more ease in writing the truth the way I see and feel it, and that some people will find my writing beautiful again. Bow or not. 

xo

Gina

P.S. 

While I don't apply Christian meaning to everything that happens in my life, I still find great meaning in my life experiences! And I allow for my circumstances to unfold naturally, drawing insight and wisdom from them.